


It was just a dream

by GonxKilluaLove



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Mild Gore, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, implied leopika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-13 09:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7971409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GonxKilluaLove/pseuds/GonxKilluaLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Killua wakes from a nightmare only to find his worst fears had come true, he's broken and scared. Gon tries his best to comfort Killua, but it's hard when he's avoiding him.</p><p>This is based on an angsty comic I saw.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based on this comic: http://askgonandkillua.tumblr.com/post/149757032170 by askgonandkillua. Thank you for letting me use it!  
> Some music to listen to while reading:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eTPTDE7Fr8  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7uXsgsZlps
> 
> This work does not have a beta so please feel free to let me know if there are mistakes!

“Hello?” Killua called into the dark space. He didn’t know where he was or why he was there. Fear gripped his heart in the unfamiliar place, setting his entire body on edge. It was eerily quiet. Only the sound of his breath and heartbeat could be heard in the deafening silence. 

Something shuffled in front of him and caught his attention, pulling his eyes towards the person that appeared in front of him as if he materialized out of thin air. Killua recognized him instantly. 

“Gon?” He called out to his friend. He was about to say more, but a small sliver of moonlight shown on Gon’s face illuminating his normally bright eyes, stopping Killua’s words in his throat. Gon’s eyes were wide, scared and brimming with tears, so unlike the bright bubbly expression he always wore.

“Killua…” Gon’s voice was hoarse, “What did you do?” Tears began to spill from Gon’s golden eyes as he whimpered. The sound of flesh and fabric tearing filled the air.

“Wha-?!” Killua felt something warm envelop his hand and drip from his fingers. He held his hand up in the moonlight to inspect it, only to find it drenched in red. 

Gon coughed, blood spilling from his lips. His eyes were dark and vacant as the tears flowed freely down his cheeks. “You’re still a killer…” He took a shaky breath that was almost a wheeze, “Aren’t you?” His voice was sad and his eyes were clouded with malice. His body swayed as he took a step closer to Killua, closing the gap between them.

Killua could only gape at the hole in his friend’s chest. Blood was seeping from it, staining his shirt crimson. He was frozen as the fear gripped him, his brother’s words ringing through his head. “If you stay with him, you’ll end up killing him anyway.” 

Realization seeped into his muddled brain as Gon took a shaky step forward to meet him. Tears began to spill down his face.

“Aren’t you?” Gon’s voice was a wet whisper as he choked on the blood still filling his mouth. Gon reached for Killua, grabbing his shoulders in a tight squeeze, digging his nails in hard, refusing to let go. 

All of the air left Killua’s lungs as he forgot how to breathe. It felt like a weight was pressing down on him, forcing him to stare into Gon’s angry, dead eyes.  
“Killua?” Gon’s voice sounded far away as his blood soaked lips mouthed his name.

Killua found his voice, screaming, thrashing and trying to free himself from Gon’s iron grip.

“Killua?” The voice was closer now, louder, scared.

Killua screamed again as he reached up to push Gon away from him. Gon’s scream filled the air turning the dark space into the light of their bedroom.

“Ow…” The weight seemed to be lifted from Killua’s body. He opened his eyes and sat up in his bed. He was drenched in sweat and gasping for air. A few stray tears were rolling down his face as he looked around the lamp-lit room, trying to place where he was. 

“Killua, are you okay?”

Killua’s eyes landed on Gon who sat on the end of the bed. He was cupping his eye, blood seeping through his fingers and dripping onto the sheets below him. His eyes were watery, but they didn’t hold any of the malice the Gon from earlier had.

“Oh no…” Killua was frozen again eyes wide as he watched the blood drip down Gon’s face. He gripped the sheets and heard the ripping sound, so similar from the one in his dreams. 

“Killua?” Gon leaned forward over Killua’s legs using his left arm to brace himself. His right hand was still cupping his face.

In a flash, Killua had pulled his legs away from Gon and scooted back against the headboard. He was hyperventilating, eyes still wide and body shaking like a leaf.  
Gon just stared at him unsure of what to do. Whatever he had dreamt about must have been bad, because he usually never avoided him like this. After a moment he sat back and tried to wipe the blood away from his eye, only to smear it on his face. It more than stung. The pain emanating from his eye was a throbbing, stabbing pain that refused to let up.

“I- I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Killua found his voice as he curled in on himself, hugging his knees to his chest. He retracted his nails and peered at the blood on his hand, through the gap between his legs. Tears mixed with the blood sending it splattering to the sheets, staining the bed red. His mind flashed back to his blood covered hand in his dreams and Gon’s whimper. He squeezed his eyes shut letting another round of sobs rack through his body. 

“Killua.” The voice was firmer this time as Gon scooted closer. “Killua, it’s okay. I’m okay.” Gon took Killua’s bloodied hand with both of his before he could pull away.  
Only sobs answered him. Killua’s entire body stilled as he buried his face further into his knees. He tried to gently pull his hand away from Gon’s grasp, but Gon wouldn’t let go. 

“Ne. Killua. I’m okay.” He squeezed Killua’s hand reassuringly. “Killua. Look. See.” Each word was punctuated by a squeeze as Gon tried to get Killua to open up for him. “I’m fine.” Gon reached forward with his bloody hand to lift Killua’s face from his knees. “Killua. I’m okay.”

Killua let his face be lifted in Gon’s hand, keeping his eyes closed only for a moment before opening them and taking in the damage he had done. 

The right side of Gon’s face was covered in blood. A couple of jagged cuts ran from the top of his eyelid to just below his eye, slicing through it completely in the middle. It was much worse that Killua thought. Blood was still seeping from Gon’s eye, but Gon was smiling as if nothing was wrong. Like Killua hadn’t just sliced through his eyelid and maybe his eye.

Gon saw the look of horror on Killua’s face and shook his head. The movement stung, but he bit back the tears and continued to smile. “It’s fine Killua. It’s just a little cut. It’ll heal. It doesn’t even hurt.” Gon moved forward and pushed Killua’s knees apart, crawling in between his legs and wrapping his arms around his shoulders in a tight hug. “I’m not mad Killua. You didn’t mean it.” He squeezed tighter as Killua began to sob into his shoulder. “I forgive you okay? So you don’t need to be sorry.”

“Gon…” Killua sobbed out as he fisted his hands into the sheets, afraid to touch him.

They stayed there like that for one minute… two… before finally Gon pulled away, cupping Killua’s blotchy, tear-stained face.

“Come on. Let’s get cleaned up. We’re getting blood everywhere.” Gon smiled at Killua. That one that lit up the room and would normally dazzle him.

“Okay.” Killua sniffed as he let Gon pull him forward and off the bed by his hand.

They made their way to the bathroom, turning on the lights as they went. It was still early morning. The sun hadn’t risen yet and the tile of the bathroom floor was cold on their unprotected feet. Once in the bathroom, Killua took the lead, fishing through the medicine cabinet. He still didn’t speak as he set a gauze eyepatch and a roll of medical tape on the counter. 

“I’ll be right back.” He grumbled as he left Gon alone in the bathroom.

Gon stood in front of the sink peering into the mirror with his left eye. He looked ghastly in the poor lighting of the bathroom. He turned on the tap and started washing the blood off his hands. 

Killua made his way back down the hall to the linen closet. He bit his lip as he tried to forget the look on dream Gon’s face. Every time he looked at Gon that face appeared instead, filling up his vision and blinding him until that smile washed it away. He grabbed a rag and made his way back to the bathroom glancing at the clock on his way. It was only 1:40 in the morning. It would be several hours before they could go to the doctor, maybe only a few if they called Leorio instead. Killua had bit clean through his lip, tasting metal in his mouth as he rounded the doorway into the bathroom.

Killua was silent as he came back into the bathroom. He watched Gon wipe some of the blood off his cheek and the way he flinched from the pain, before speaking.  
“Sit down. I’ll do it.” When Gon didn’t move Killua gently turned him away from the sink.

Gon rose an eyebrow and let out a little squeak of surprise as he looked up at Killua, only to find himself looking down instead as Killua lifted him up onto the counter by the sink. 

Killua took the rag he had retrieved and ran it under the warm water before ringing it out. “Hold still.” Killua lifted the rag to Gon’s face and ever so gently pressed it to his cheek, mopping up some of the blood. He took his time cleaning Gon’s face, freezing at every flinch Gon made and occasionally rinsing the rag out. He avoided his eye afraid to touch it and damage it further. The bleeding was slowing, but a steady stream of blood was still leaking from his eye.

“Did - did I get your eye too?” Killua was looking straight ahead at Gon’s bloodied collar. He still hadn’t looked Gon in the eye.

“I’m not sure.” Gon turned to look in the mirror behind him. He tried to open his eyelid, but it was impossible with all the swelling and the sharp pain it caused him. He flinched again and decided to let it rest closed. “I’m sure it’s fine.” Gon turned back smiling at Killua, but only got a frown in return. He knew he was lying.

Killua sighed and reached for the eyepatch. “I’ll give Leorio a call and see if he can come over in the morning to make sure it’s okay.”

“Okay.” Gon smiled as he waited for Killua.

“This might hurt a little, but we need to keep it covered until we can get it looked at okay.” He pulled the wrapper off of the gauze and readied the medical tape.

“Kay.” Gon sat still as Killua carefully placed the patch over his eye and secured it with the tape.

“There. All done.” Killua stepped back, but before he could get far Gon reached forward and grabbed Killua’s shoulders, stopping him from leaving and unknowingly gluing his feet to the ground. 

“You’re so kind Killua, aren’t you?” Gon smiled big enough to close his eyes as he leaned forward.

Killua was wide eyed as he tried to process what Gon had said. His mind flashed back to his dream. Gon’s hollow bloodied chest and tear filled eyes burning with hate filled his vision and morphed with his memory of Gon’s bloody face. He seized up as the tears welled in his eyes and his breaths got shorter. “Aren’t you?” Rung through his head in the wet whisper of the dying Gon’s voice.

Gon pressed his forehead to Killua’s unaware of Killua’s predicament. “Thank you Killua.”

Killua couldn’t hold it anymore. He let out a sob as the renewed tears poured from his eyes and rolled over his cheeks. He resisted the urge to push Gon away for fear of hurting him again. He had already hurt him once and he could never forgive himself for it, even if Gon had already. He let his arms hang at his sides, curled into fists, fingernails digging into his palms.

“Killua?” Gon pulled away but kept his hands on his shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

“Killua continued sobbing, body shaking harder than before as uncontrollable wailing started. At first, Gon couldn’t understand what Killua was saying, but then the words grew clearer, only to bring tears to Gon’s eyes.

“I - I killed you.” Killua was facing the ground, fisting his shirt. “I r-ripped your h-heart out… A-and you… I’m sorry Gon.” His breath hitched as he tried to breathe through the tears, “I’m so sorry.”

“Gon pulled Killua into him so his head was placed on Gon’s chest. “Do you hear that Killua?” He wrapped his arms around Killua’s neck and bent over him to kiss the top of his head. “My heart’s still there. I’m okay. I’m here.” He kissed Killua’s hair again before letting him pull away. He leaned forward again and kissed Killua’s forehead. “I wouldn’t mind if it was you who stole my heart Killua.” Gon chuckled lightheartedly before kissing Killua’s nose.

“Idiot.” Killua sniffled as he looked up at Gon, meeting his eyes for the first time since he had first seen the damage he’d caused. Tears still rolled down his cheeks, but they were slowly coming to a stop.

“I might be an idiot, but at least I’m your idiot.” Gon slid down off the counter to give Killua a proper hug this time. He wrapped his arms around Killua’s waist and pressed his left cheek into Killua’s shoulder.

Killua tensed before ever so slowly lifting his arms to return the hug. He balled his hands into fists and kept them away from Gon. He was afraid to touch him, afraid he’d hurt him again, but he wasn’t about to push Gon away.

Gon pulled back after a moment and tried to stifle a yawn with the back of his hand. Killua pulled completely away backing up into the wall. He looked towards the bathroom door, wanting to escape, to leave and be far from Gon. To keep Gon safe.

“I- I’m going to go call Leorio. You should get some rest.” Killua moved towards the door but was stopped by a hand on his wrist.

“Don’t leave.” Killua turned back, but Gon wasn’t looking at him.

“I’m just going outside for a bit to make the call.” Killua pulled his hand away from the loose grip. “I’ll be right back.” 

Gon was silent as he followed Killua back into the bedroom. His face was set into a frown, only serving to make Killua more nervous. He sat down on the edge of his bed and watched Killua as he fished for his phone in the nightstand. He didn’t want Killua to go anywhere. He had a feeling that if he let him go now, he’d never come back. But Gon also knew that Killua needed space. He would give him time if he needed it.

“When you get back will you tell me about it?” Gon was staring at Killua now, but Killua kept his back turned to him as he pulled his phone out of the drawer.

“T-tell you about what?”

“About your nightmare?” Gon had pulled his feet up onto the bed to sit cross-legged, hands on his knees and eye set with determination.

“Oh.” Killua slowly turned towards the door, eyes still not meeting Gon’s. “Sure.” And Killua was off making a beeline for the front door. He needed to get away. As far away from Gon as he could, but first he needed to make that call. 

As the phone rang his brother’s words repeated in his head, over and over like a broken record. “You’ll kill him one day anyway.” The ringing stopped and Leorio’s groggy voice muffled his brother’s.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Killua’s voice was rough and odd sounding through the speaker.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Leorio sounded wide awake now.

“Do I sound that bad?” Killua sighed into the receiver as he made his way down the street.

“Yeah. You sound like shit. So what happened?”

“Gon got hurt.” Killua almost whispered as he rounded the corner.

“Is it bad?” Only silence answered Leorio as Killua tried to stop picturing Gon’s blood covered face. “It’s bad isn’t it.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

Those were the words he was dreading to hear. What would Leorio think when he found out it was him who hurt Gon? Killua stayed silent as he came upon a park and decided to make his way towards it. 

“Killua?” Leorio sounded worried and that only furthered Killua’s anxiety.

“It’s his eye.” He finally managed a reply. 

“His eye?”

“Yeah." He was silent for a moment before sighing, "Anyway, could you come take a look at it in the morning?” Killua took a seat on a swing and gripped the chain hard in his fist.

“No.” Leorio’s voice was stern and unforgiving.

Killua gripped his phone tighter and curled in on himself. “What?!” He growled into his phone. He was angry now. Angry at himself, but also angry at Leorio. 

“I’m not coming over in the morning. I’m coming over right now. You better explain to me what happened to make me come over there at two in the morning, and what made you sound so shitty.” Now Leorio was seething. Before Killua could answer there was a click as Leorio hung up the phone.

Killua sighed as he shoved his phone in his pocket, but he didn’t move from the swing. He rocked back and forth slowly letting his feet drag against the ground. He was selfish, terribly so. He should get as far away from Gon now while he still had a chance. Run and never look back. He would be safer that way. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay by Gon’s side and never leave. The two sides of him fought back and forth for dominance as he swayed on the swing. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but before he knew it his phone was buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out expecting to see Leorio’s caller ID but was surprised to see it was Kurapika. With a sigh, he answered and lifted the phone to his ear.

“Good morning Killua.” His voice was scratchy from the morning.

“Hi.” Killua leaned against the chain.

“Do you have any idea why Leorio bolted out of the house at two in the morning raving about Gon and ungrateful brats?” His voice had a light chuckle to it, but it was also laced with worry for his friends.

“Yeah.”

“Care to elaborate?” Killua could almost see Kurapika’s eyebrow rising through the phone.

Killua was silent for a moment. There was no use hiding anything so he sighed, “Gon got hurt and I asked Leorio to come take a look.”

“It was bad enough for him to come over now?”

Killua realized his voice must have sounded a lot better now than when he called Leorio. “I guess.” was all he could reply. The cuts certainly looked terrible, but Killua was unsure if it really warranted a visit before dawn. There was still a lot of blood when he last looked so he couldn’t be sure of how bad it actually was. 

“Is he okay?” Kurapika sounded genuinely worried now. 

“I don’t know. I think so.”

“How do you not know?” Kurapika sighed. “Where’s Gon? Put him on the phone.”

“He’s at home waiting for Leorio unless he’s already there.” Killua kicked the dirt under the swing, sending it flying.

“You’re not with him?” Kurapika’s voice rose in pitch and volume causing Killua to yank the phone away from his ear. 

“No.” He whispered back into the phone after a moment. He was feeling guilty before for hurting Gon, but now a whole new wave of guilt washed over Killua. 

“Don’t leave.” Gon’s words wrapped around him like a vise.

“Killua. I swear to- Go home!” Kurapika sounded exhausted through the phone, but Killua knew he was mad.

“Kay.” He huffed as he hopped off the swing and began to walk back through the park.

“Tell Gon I hope he gets better soon for me okay.” Kurapika’s voice was soft again.

“I will.” Killua stepped out of the park but found himself stuck on the sidewalk. He still didn’t want to go home.

“Thanks. Goodnight Killua.”

“Night.” Killua hung up the phone and slowly placed it into his pocket. He stood still taking in the cool night air before making his decision. He would go home, but he’d take the long way. He needed the space right now and he didn’t think he could sit by calmly while Leorio fixed up Gon’s eye. He turned right instead of left and made his way down the street and into the city.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Gon huffed and laid back on the bed, the soft click of the front door ringing through the nearly empty room. His eye still hurt, but what hurt more was the hollow feeling in his chest. It was heavy and empty at the same time filling him up with dread. It was Killua’s fault he felt like this. Not because he had hurt him, but because of the way he had acted after. Something was hurting Killua and Gon wasn’t entirely sure what it was.

“I-I k-killed you…” Killua’s words drifted through the air, hanging heavy over Gon’s heart. What had he meant by that? Just what had happened in that nightmare to make him say that? “A-and you…” And he had done something? Gon was terribly confused. 

What really bugged Gon was how Killua was avoiding him. He refused to look Gon in the eye most of the time and even when he had returned his hug, he didn’t touch him. He had looked like a scared kitten about to run away from the jaws of a dog. He was scared Gon realized, of what he wasn’t entirely sure, but he knew it involved him and that hurting him set Killua off. 

“I hope he comes back soon,” Gon muttered to himself as he pulled himself up onto the bed to lay properly. He laid on his back and faced the ceiling, mapping it with his good eye as he tried to get some rest. Leorio would be here in the morning and Killua would surely be back by then. At least he hoped he would be. Gon wasn’t sure if he’d be able to forgive Killua if he stayed away too long. Before long Gon had fallen asleep.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hello?” Gon awoke with a start. “Gon?” the voice came from the other side of the door.

“Killua?” Gon called into the dark. “Did you forget your key?” Gon stood up and made his way to the front door, only to find it already unlocked. He quirked an eyebrow as the person on the other side of the door knocked. Gon slowly opened the door, just a crack to see who was there.

“Gon!”

“Leorio!” Gon stepped back and opened the door all the way, allowing Leorio to take him in. Gon was still in his blood-stained tank top now dry and crusted. The patch on his eye was rust colored from the blood leaking through. “I thought you weren’t coming until the morning? It’s still dark out.”

“Killua sounded terrible so I came over right away.” Leorio looked around before taking Gon in. “Where is Killua?”

“I don’t know.” Gon looked away as he stepped aside to let Leorio in before shutting the door. “I thought you were Killua.”

“Me?” Leorio laughed before following Gon into the room and over to the bed.

“Yeah I thought he was back, but forgot his key or something.”

Leorio eyed the blood stained bed and ripped sheets. “Did something happen between you two?” Gon looked away and sat on the bed.

“No… not really… Kind of, but it’s not his fault.” Gon finally relented sighing as he looked up at Leorio with his one good eye. 

“What do you mean?” Leorio moved to sit beside him, opening his briefcase next to him.

“He um… he had a nightmare and I guess it was really bad because he lashed out more than he usually does when he sleeps.” Gon crossed his legs in front of him as he faced Leorio.

“Hmm…” Leorio fished around inside his briefcase organizing some of his equipment. “Hold still I need to take this off and it might hurt a bit.” Leorio reached forward placing his fingertips over the eyepatch. 

“Okay.” Gon braced himself, but the patch came off easily. What did hurt was the pained look on Leorio’s face? “Is it that bad?” Gon chewed his lip, waiting for the reply.

“It’s definitely going to need stitches, just one or two though for that middle cut. What I’m really worried about is your eye. All the bleeding reduced the swelling, so I should be able to get a look.”

“Okay.” Gon took a deep breath and tried to open his eye, but it only moved partway.

“Wait!” Leorio stopped Gon with a hand on his chin. “Don’t do that, you could make it worse. Let me stitch up your eyelid first.

With that Leorio began to work. First, he numbed the area around the eye and cleaned it up as carefully as he could before he lifted Gon’s eyelid and began to work, stitching the hole in his eyelid closed. He worked diligently and quickly, trying to limit any pain and side effects Gon might have.

“Now let's take a look at that eye.” Leorio kept Gon’s eyelid lifted as he shone a light into his eye. Gon flinched back, but Leorio moved with him. “That’s not looking good.” He mumbled as he let go of Gon. “It looks like he did get your eye pretty good. It won’t need surgery or anything, but even if it heals perfectly, you’ll probably lose some or nearly all of your sight in that eye.”

“I’m gonna be blind!?!” Gon’s mouth was agape as he leaned back.

“No, no.” Leorio laughed, “It’s not that bad, you’ll probably just have blurry eyesight. A bit worse than a normal person’s.”

“Thank goodness.” Gon sighed as he fell back on the bed. 

Leorio laughed again. “Knowing you It’ll heal even better than I think. Now sit up so I can cover it.” Gon obeyed and sat up for Leorio. Leorio fished a proper eye patch out of his briefcase and fastened it over Gon’s eye. “You should wear this eye patch when you’re out and about, or sleeping to avoid irritating it, but make sure you let it air out every once in awhile so you don’t get bacteria growing in there.”

“Yes, sir!” Gon raised his hand in a mock salute before smiling, “Thank you Leorio! You’re a lifesaver.”

“Hardly.” Leorio scoffed and then let out a laugh. They hadn’t heard Killua open and close the front door as he returned. His presence was only made know when he entered the room, catching Leorio’s gaze. 

“And where have you been.” Leorio’s gaze turned serious as he looked past Gon. Gon quirked an eyebrow before turning to see who Leorio was talking to.

“Killua!” Gon nearly tackled Killua but stopped when he caught the solemn look on his face. “Killua?” There was a moment before Killua looked up and smiled at Gon. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, and the red rings underneath them told him he had been crying again.

“Sorry. I lost track of time. Did Leorio take a look at your eye?”

“Y-yeah.” Gon watched Killua’s face bewildered as an array of emotions flitted across it before settling back on that fake smile. Gon didn’t like it. He wanted Killua to smile for real.

“You better be glad I came here so early to look at Gon. If I had waited until morning, it could’ve gotten a lot worse. Then he might have lost all of his eyesight!” Leorio was standing now as he approached Killua and chopped him on the head. “Jeeze. You had me worried out of my mind.” Leorio ruffled Killua’s hair.

“Sorry Leorio. Thanks for coming over so early.” Killua was looking at the ground again, avoiding both of their gazes.

That gave Leorio pause. Killua rarely if ever said thank you to him. After all, it was always Killua who said you didn’t need to thank friends. “It’s alright.” Leorio smiled down at him, “That’s what friends are for right?”

“Yeah…” Killua was quiet again. 

“Well it’s getting late- er- early? Haha. So I’m going to head out.” Leorio turned to Gon, “Make sure to call me if it starts to hurt more than usual, or it starts to leak pus or something. I left you some pain killers.” He pointed to a bottle on the nightstand, “Take one every four hours if you need them. I’ll be by again in a couple of days to check on you.”

“Okay.” Gon nodded and smiled at Leorio, “Thank you.”

“I’ll walk you out.” Killua turned to head towards the door.

“Alright.” Leorio followed him leaving Gon in the bedroom. 

“Are you alright?” Leorio asked as they walked down the short hall. 

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Killua’s voice was soft with a little waver at the end that said he definitely wasn’t fine.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” It was firmer this time as Killua opened the door for Leorio.

“If you say so.” Leorio didn’t want to push it. If Killua didn’t want to share with him that was fine. As long as he had Gon to talk to, Leorio knew Killua would pull through whatever was making him so gloomy. “Goodnight.” He stepped out of the door and began to walk without looking back.

“Night.” Killua closed the door and locked it before taking a deep breath and leaning his head against the door. He didn’t want to face Gon yet. He had thought he was ready when he came back home, but he had also thought Leorio would be long gone by now. The guilt gnawed at him again, slowly eating a hole through his heart.  
Something about what Leorio said didn’t sit right with him. 

“Then he might have lost all of his eyesight!” Killua’s eyes widened as he remembered the words.

“Then does that mean…?” 

“Killua?” 

Killua nearly jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. He whirled around only to see Gon standing just a few feet behind him.

“Killua are you okay?” Gon took a tentative step forward. 

“Yeah I’m fine.” Killua choked out as he pressed his back against the door.

“If you want.” Gon pulled back, “We can wait until later to talk…If you don’t want to…?” 

Killua realized it was a question, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer either way. He knew they needed to talk and the sooner the better, but he really didn’t want to. He had been carrying that fear since nearly the day he had met Gon. It was only when he realized how important to him Gon was that the fear had really taken hold and sunk deep into his bones, weighing down every action Killua took. Every decision he made. 

“I-” Killua fought the urge to bolt out of the door or fall to his knees. He bit his lip, wincing at the pain of the open wound from before. With a heavy sigh, he pushed himself away from the door, “I’ll tell you.” Killua looked up to see a soft smile on Gon’s lips as a hand reached out towards him, waiting patiently for Killua to take it in his. Killua tentatively took Gon’s hand and followed him back into the bedroom.

Gon had covered the sheets with a blanket to keep them out of Killua’s view as they made their way to the bed. Gon sat first, waiting for Killua to sit too, but he stayed standing, looking down at his feet.

“Killu-”

“Gon.” Killua cut him off as he finally looked back up at Gon. “There’s something I haven’t told you.” He sighed before moving to the bed, sitting so he was facing away from Gon and towards the window. “My broth-...” He took a breath and shook his head, “When we first met it was the first time I had freely left the house on my own, without orders from my parents, or a job to do. But-... But I wasn’t ever actually free.” His hand reached up to his forehead. Gon quirked an eyebrow up at that but stayed silent waiting for Killua to continue.

“Illumi-nii was controlling me for my parents. It wasn’t directly like I was a doll or something, but he rendered my emotions dull and switched my flight or fight response to flight automatically when the person I was facing was stronger than me.” He pulled his hand away from his forehead and let it slip into his lap, to hold his other one. “I was never supposed to find that needle, but because of you I was able to break away from my brother’s control.” Killua looked up at Gon.

“Because of me?” Gon tilted his head.

“Because of you, I was finally able to feel something other than the want to kill, but…” He trailed off and looked away, back at his hands as he gripped the end of his shirt tightly. “But sometimes that urge is still there. I don’t want it to be and I try really hard to drown it out, but sometimes I feel like I won’t be able to stop myself.” Tears sprang to his eyes for the hundredth time that night. Gon scooted closer and placed his hand on Killua’s shoulder, leaning in closer to him. This time, Killua didn’t tense up, he tried his best to relax into Gon’s touch.

“I’m just… I’m just so scared that maybe I’m not free of my old life. That one day I’ll really hurt-” He sniffed loudly and buried his face in his hands, “I’ve already hurt you… What if it had been worse, what if what happened in my dream came true?” He wrapped his arms around himself and tried to keep from shaking.

“What happened in your dream?” Gon was still leaning in to comfort Killua.

“I ripped your heart out and did nothing but push you away when you were dying.” Killua brought his knees up, placing his feet up on the bed to close himself off again. His voice was calm as if he was becoming detached from his words. 

“And what did I do to you?” 

“You-” His voice hitched as he pictured Gon’s face glaring daggers into him. “You didn’t do anything.” He curled into himself tighter. “I hurt you. You didn’t do anything to me.” 

“Killua.” Gon was only inches from Killua’s face. “Tell me what I did in the dream.” Killua was shaking as Gon wrapped his arms around Killua, holding him tight. 

“You… You looked at me like I was the worst thing in the word.” He felt Gon tense up beside him, “You called me a killer and you had every right to because I hurt you. Because I killed you.” His throat hurt from crying and he swallowed hard trying to keep himself from breathing too hard. 

“I would never hate you Killua. Even if something like that happened I wouldn’t call you a killer.” Killua raised his head a little and peeked over his arm at Gon. He was crying too, soft tears rolled down his face, “Because you aren’t a killer anymore Killua. You saved me and Alluka and even Ikalgo. You are so much more than what you used to be.”

“I’m still scared.” Killua felt lighter after admitting the truth, “I don’t want to hurt you or any of our friends again.”

“I know.” Gon smiled as Killua lifted his head all the way to look at Gon. “I won’t let you, but I know you wouldn’t do it either.”

Killua gave a half-hearted smile. It was better than the fake one he had been wearing before. “What did Leorio say about your eye?” His face was dark again as he prepared for the worst.

“He gave me some stitches and said that I have to wear this eye patch for a little while.”

“S-stitches?” Killua’s eyes were wide. He looked away and bit his lip again.

“Yeah, only one or two. It wasn’t that bad.” Gon still had his arms wrapped around Killua, refusing to let him go. Afraid that he’d run if he did.  
“What about your eye. Can you see?”

“Yeah. Everything is kind of blurry, though. Leorio said it’ll probably get better as it heals.” Gon chuckled, “Knowing me and how fast I heal I should be fine and back to normal in no time!” Gon pulled the arm that was wrapped around Killua’s knees away to give him a thumbs up. Killua let his knees drop so his feet hit the floor, finally opening up to Gon.

Killua was tired. It had been a long night for the both of them. All of the stress and crying had only furthered his desire to just lay down and sleep forever. He felt a yawn rising up in his throat, but he suppressed it. He wrapped his arms around himself only to have Gon prying them away.

“What?” Killua let his arms be pulled to his sides.

“Stop doing that.” Gon was pouting now. Killua looked at him with confusion lacing his features. “Stop hiding.” Gon huffed.

“I- I’m not hiding.” Killua turned to Gon and imitated his pout. 

“Yes, you are. You keep wrapping yourself up.” Gon got up to stand in front of Killua. He leaned forward and placed his hands on Killua’s knees, forcing him to lean back and use his hands for support.

“G-Gon.” Blush crept across his face as he tried to avoid Gon’s determined gaze. It was hard to do when Gon was blocking his entire view. Killua couldn’t stop the yawn this time. He tried his best to stifle it, but it got out and made Gon freeze for a moment as a yawn overtook him too. 

“It’s contagious!” Gon laughed as he rocked back on his heels, letting Killua go. 

Killua glanced at the clock and read the time. 4:45 in the morning. The sun would be coming up soon. “We should probably go to bed.” Killua sighed as he stood.

“Yeah. I’m getting pretty tired.” Gon yawned again and headed for the dresser. Killua went the opposite way, headed for the linen closet.

“Where are you going?” Gon had turned around with his shirt only half off as he glanced at Killua with a worried eye.

“I’m just getting new sheets from the closet?” He stopped with his hand on the door frame before his brain kicked in, “I’m not going to leave.” Killua smiled. It was small but genuine this time.

“Oh.” Was all Gon could say, before he turned back around and continued to strip.

He had fully changed clothes into a new set of shorts and a tank top before Killua came back in the room carrying a bundle of sheets and a blanket. He looked around and groaned as he realized his mistake. He had yet to take the dirty sheets off the bed, so now he had nowhere to set the clean sheets. 

“Here.” Gon laughed as he held out his arms. Reluctantly Killua dumped the pile of sheets into Gon’s arms and then set to work, stripping the bed in such a way that he wouldn’t have to see the huge rust-colored stain. It didn’t stop him from seeing the smaller stain on the mattress where the blood had leaked through, though. The guilt rose up in him again, a feeling Killua was sure would never fully go away. 

He threw the ruined sheets into the hallway. He’d deal with them in the morning. For now all he wanted was to sleep, but he was afraid that dream would come again too. He made the bed in record time with little to no help from Gon, not that he was complaining. 

“All done?” Gon yawned as he fell back against the bed.

“Yeah.” Killua sighed as he made his way to the dresser to get changed as well. When Killua had finished he turned around to see Gon already under the covers with his eye closed. Killua made his way to the bed and laid down on his side, careful not to disturb Gon, who was already fast asleep, lying on his back. He laid facing away from Gon, back to the door and face towards the window.

“Killua.” Gon yawned as he opened his eye. Killua turned over to look at him and was quickly embraced by Gon’s strong arms. Killua’s face was pressed into Gon’s chest. It was warm and Killua squirmed to get free of Gon’s hold, but Gon refused to let go, only allowing Killua to turn his head so his ear rested up against his chest.

“Gon,” Killua whined. “Let go.”

“No.” Gon yawned again. “Stay with me.” There was no arguing this. Killua huffed and gave in, letting Gon hold him. He could hear Gon’s heartbeat, slow and steady. It was soothing to hear and Killua found himself drifting towards sleep.

“You know…” Gon started rousing Killua from his half-asleep state, “I think about that sometimes too.” Gon was quiet for a moment as he contemplated his words. He felt Killua shift under his arms to look up at him. “That one day I’ll lose control again and throw everything away like before, but that this time- next time I won’t be able to tell my friends apart from my enemies.” Gon squeezed Killua tighter. “ But I know you’d stop me if it came to that. It’s because you’re here that I’m not worried. If you were to leave… I don’t know what I’d do…”

“You’ll kill him one day.” The words echoed in his head as he watched Gon as he spoke. He tried to ignore it and turned back to face Gon’s chest. “I won’t leave,” Killua whispered into Gon’s shirt. 

Gon hummed before yawning again and settling back down. “Thank you Killua.”

He was silent for a long while as he listened to Gon’s breaths even out and his heartbeat slow to a steady beat signaling he had finally fallen asleep. “If this is a dream…” Killua whispered to himself, “And my dream was real…” He sniffed and nuzzled into Gon’s chest. “Then I don’t ever want to wake up…” He felt Gon’s breath against his face as he grumbled something again and rested his cheek on Killua’s fluffy hair. Then he was out.


	2. To help a friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's chapter 2! Quick warning this chapter had the angst go from 50 to 100 and I have no idea what happened lol. So beware if you can't handle any more than what chapter 1 had to give and enjoy~

Sleep came faster than it ever had for Killua. It was dreamless, or at least there was nothing Killua could remember dreaming about. He woke up still wrapped in Gon’s arms, listening to his steady heartbeat and trying his best to ignore the light filtering in from the window. Killua didn’t want to get up so he nuzzled back into Gon’s chest and closed his eyes, breathing in his scent. If only he could stay wrapped up in Gon’s arms forever.

“Killua.” Gon’s soft whisper made Killua freeze and look up, but Gon’s eye was still closed.

“Gon?” Killua lifted his head, but Gon’s arms tightened around him forcing him back down. Gon’s heart beat was faster now, Killua realized. Was he having a bad dream? Killua looked up at Gon’s face worriedly, yet it wasn’t pain or fear he saw on Gon’s face, it was pure joy. The small blush that crept across Gon’s face made Killua’s heart jump in his chest. He wondered what Gon could be dreaming about.

Gon’s eye snapped open in the next instant only to land on Killua’s shocked face. He hadn’t expected Gon to wake up so fast.

“Morning.” Gon yawned as he let his grip on Killua loosen just enough for him to turn and raise himself up on his elbows.

“Morning.” Killua yawned back. “You looked like you were having a nice dream.” 

“Yeah…” Gon blushed and looked away, finally letting Killua go so he could roll over and sit up on the edge of the bed. Killua frowned at that. 

“I’ll be right back.” Gon stood and stretched before heading out of the room. Killua didn’t know what to make of that. Was Gon avoiding him now? Was he really mad at him and just pretending not to be? Killua groaned as he buried his head into his pillow and tried not to think about anything. But one by one the events from the night before seeped into his mind, muddling his thoughts again.

He still felt guilty. He was still afraid. He still wanted to run and hide away. Instead, he just stayed in bed, face down in his pillow trying to will the thoughts away. He didn’t notice Gon until he set his hand on his back to shake him lightly.

“Killua. It’s already noon you can’t sleep all day.” Gon laughed as Killua grumbled and turned his head towards Gon.

“Yes, I ca-” He stopped wide-eyed as he took in Gon’s face. He wasn’t wearing his eyepatch. The area around Gon’s eye was purple and swollen, but no worse than a black eye and only around the edges. The lighter cuts had already scabbed over and Killua could only faintly see two small stitches in Gon’s eyelid. What caught his attention was when Gon opened his right eye, showing a clouded iris with red around the edges. He could only open it a little, but it was enough to set Killua on edge. He bit his lip to keep from closing in on himself again.

Gon’s stomach growled interrupting Killua’s thoughts. Gon blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Haha. Sorry.” He closed both of his eyes as he laughed. 

Slowly Killua turned away and without getting up or moving much more than his arm, he reached over to the nightstand and began to rummage through its drawer. After a moment he huffed and pulled out what he was looking for. 

“Here.” He said tossing a box to Gon without looking at him. When Gon didn’t say anything, Killua turned to take a peek at his face.

Gon was sparkling. He had a smile stretched on his face bigger than Killua had ever seen. He was staring down at the box and holding it like it was the most fragile thing on the planet.

“Are you sure I can have it?” He looked at Killua and caught his eye. Gon was simply beaming.

“Y-yeah.” Killua was at a loss for words. Gon was so bright he had to look away. “I have hundreds more. It’s fine.” Killua’s face was red as he pressed it back into his pillow, completely forgetting about the guilt that had plagued him only moments before.

Gon was ecstatic. He was nearly jumping on the bed, but he restrained himself so he wouldn’t bother Killua. After all, this was the first time Killua had allowed him to have some of his oh so precious snack, he would hate for him to take it back. He had them before, but only when he bought them himself and while they weren’t his absolute favorite he did really love them. But having them come from Killua meant so much more. He almost wanted to keep them forever and savor the gift Killua gave him for as long as he could, but he was starving, and he knew Killua would think it was weird if he never ate them.

“Thank you Killua!” He popped the lid off of the box and rolled a few of the chocolate balls into his hand. He popped one into his mouth and savored every last bit of it. He almost hadn’t noticed Killua sit up to look at him. “Hmm?” Gon hummed around a second piece of chocolate as he quirked his eyebrow up at Killua.

“Why’d you take your eyepatch off?” Killua couldn’t stop staring at Gon’s eye. It made him feel terrible.

Gon swallowed his candy before smiling at Killua. “Leorio said I should air my eye out every once in awhile so it doesn’t get infected. I’m really only supposed to wear the patch when I’m sleeping or when I go outside.” 

“Oh.” Killua began to reach out, but stopped himself and pulled away from Gon. 

“Stop that.” Gon huffed as he reached out and caught Killua’s hand in his own. “You don’t have to be afraid to touch me. I won’t break.” Gon brought Killua’s hand up to his cheek and pressed his face into Killua’s hand. 

Killua’s hand was shaking as he tried his best to only lightly touch Gon’s face. His thumb brushed up against a light bruise on his cheek, just under his right eye, only for Gon to smile and lean into Killua’s touch.

“Gon.”

“Hmm?” Gon had closed his eyes, relaxing into the warm feel of Killua’s hand. When Gon didn’t make any move to open his eyes or pull away Killua leaned forward. He carefully and ever so gently placed his lips right above his right eye, where his eyebrow met the bridge of his nose.

Gon’s eyes fluttered open as he looked up at Killua’s red face. A blush crept across Gon’s face staining it the same shade of red as Killua’s. “W-what was that for?”

“I um… I thought I’d kiss it better…” Killua turned away, releasing Gon’s face to hide his own.

“Hmm…” Gon took a moment to wiggle his nose and test his right eye. “It didn’t work…” He had caught Killua’s attention. He opened his mouth to reply, but Gon spoke first, “I- I think you need to do it again…” Gon’s blush worsened as he looked away.

“W-” Killua stopped himself. He would do anything for Gon especially now that he felt he owed him the world for an apology. And kisses like that were nothing new for the two of them. Gon kissed Killua’s cheeks and forehead all the time. “Okay…” Killua gulped and leaned in again, slower this time. He carefully placed a kiss at the corner of Gon’s eye. He could feel the warmth of Gon’s cheek through his lips. “How about now?” Killua pulled away.

Gon was smiling wide now as he blinked his eye again and moved his eyebrow up and down. “Not quite.” His voice was playful.

Killua couldn’t help but smile. If his kisses really could heal Gon he’d give him all the kisses he had and then some. He kissed Gon’s eyebrow this time, then just below his eye, before finally and very carefully kissing his eyelid. 

Gon giggled under him at the light almost ticklish touch of Killua’s lips. “It feels a lot better now.” Gon smiled at Killua’s blushing face. 

The ringing of Killua’s phone interrupted the moment pulling them both back to the present. Killua leaned over to the nightstand, but the noise wasn’t coming from there. He looked around the room only to realize the sound was coming from the pile of dirty clothes sitting in front of the dresser. He huffed as he got off the bed only to realize his legs felt like jelly. Pain shot through his right side, but he grit his teeth and ignored it. He caught himself on the bed before he could fall only to get a worried look from Gon.

“Legs fell asleep.” He lied as he regained his composure and made his way to his phone. He picked it up on the last ring and answered it with a huff. “Hello?”

“Killua?” It was Kurapika.

“Yes?” He began making his way back over to the bed to sit with Gon.

“Who is it?” Gon was leaning in trying to hear. Killua pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speaker for Gon.

“You made it home okay right?” Killua looked away from the phone and Gon. He remembered how irritated Kurapika had been at him. How close he had been to not coming home. Guilt sparked in his chest and threatened to spread. 

“Yes, he did!” Gon smiled at Kurapika’s voice.

“Gon!” He sounded surprised. “How’s your eye?”

“It’s okay! Killua kissed it better so it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Did he now?” Kurapika chuckled.

“Gooonnn...” Killua groaned only to get a laugh from Gon as well. 

Rustling noises came from the other side of the phone before another voice joined in. “Have you been airing it out like I said to?” Leorio’s gruff voice still sounded tired.

“Yes, sir!” Killua watched Gon stare into the phone like he could actually see Leorio and Kurapika through it. 

“Good. Killua?”

“Yes?” Killua took a worried glance at the phone.

“You shouldn’t be kissing his eye, you’ll get it dirty and you could make it worse.” Killua was silent as he looked down. He hadn’t expected to get scolded. He gripped his shorts in his hands, trying to ward away the pain rising up in him. If Gon’s eye got worse because of him… He didn’t want to think about it. He started to pull into himself again. 

“Shut up Leorio.” There was some rustling and a thud as something fell on the other side of the phone.

“Hey!” Leorio yelled, but it came in muffled as Kurapika turned off his speaker phone.

“Anyway,” Kurapika huffed, “We didn’t call you guys to mother you. I called because I wanted to know if you were coming to the picnic today?”

“Picnic?” Gon’s stomach growled. He was practically salivating at the prospect. 

“I know a lot happened last night, but surely you haven’t forgotten?” Kurapika sighed, “Gon we’ve been talking about this for months!” 

Gon thought for a moment and came up empty handed. “Sorry. I... forgot.” Gon gave an awkward chuckle.

“The picnic for our anniversary? You know the day we all met at the hunter exam?” 

“Oh yeah!” Gon laughed into the phone. “I totally forgot!”

“Clearly… So are you guys coming? It’s at four so you’ll have to be leaving soon.”

“Definitely! Right Killua?” Gon looked up to see Killua with his arms wrapped around his chest again. He was frowning just like last night. “Killua?”

“Huh?” He looked up at Gon.

“Do you want to go to the picnic?” 

“Oh uh… yeah sure. I’ll go.” He gave Gon a smile. It was that fake one again. Gon frowned at that and huffed.

“Alright well, I guess we’ll see you two at the park later.” Kurapika put the phone back on speaker. “Don’t forget. We’re meeting at Solstice Park.”

“Okay!” Gon faked the enthusiasm in his voice. He was worried about the way Killua had smiled at him. At the way, he was slowly curling in on himself.

“Bye then.”

“See you soon!” Leorio’s voice rung through before Kurapika ended the call leaving Killua and Gon alone again. 

The light-hearted mood from before had completely vanished only to be replaced with something heavy that weighed down Gon’s thoughts. Gon leaned forward towards Killua but before he could say or do anything Killua stood and made his way to the dresser. 

“I’m gonna take a shower first.” He all but mumbled as he retrieved his clothes from one of the drawers. 

“Killu-” Gon called, but Killua was already headed down the hall to the bathroom. Gon sighed as he picked up Killua’s phone and set it on the nightstand next to the bottle of pain pills Leorio had left him. His eye did still hurt, but Killua’s kisses really had made it feel better. Gon took the bottle in his hands, unscrewed the cap and shook a pill into his hand. He took his medicine quickly before popping another chocolate ball into his mouth to wash out the taste. 

He sat there on the bed for a while as he listened to the water in the bathroom turn on and fill the silence. He knew Killua was still hurting, yet he wasn’t sure what he could do about it. They had talked it out, but it was clear that wouldn’t be enough. He racked his brain for ideas, but none came to mind. After a while, Gon finally moved from the bed, over to the dresser to grab a change of clothes.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Killua quickly made his way out of the bedroom and down the hall. He was surprised to see the pile of sheets from the night before were gone. Gon must have picked them up earlier. Killua was thankful for that, but it only irritated him further. He should have cleaned them up, not Gon. He sighed as he made his way into the bathroom and deposited his change of clothes on the counter. 

He closed the door and looked up into the mirror. His face was pale, but there were no bags under his eyes and they were no longer rimmed with red. For all intents and purposes, he looked fine, but he felt like he was coming apart at the seams. He yanked off his night clothes and peered at his side in the mirror. A large bruise had formed on his hip from the night before. He pressed his thumb into it and winced at the slight pain it caused him. It could’ve been worse. Much worse...  
Killua turned away from his reflection and made his way to the tub. He stepped beside the shower and turned the water on, letting it warm up before finally stepping in. His mind wandered to the events of last night as he washed his hair.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Killua didn’t know how to face Gon. He had hurt him, betrayed him, and made it so his friend might not ever be able to see out of his eye again. His brother had been right. He didn’t deserve to make friends, he would just end up hurting them anyway, betraying them, killing them. Even if he wasn’t being controlled by his brother anymore the feeling of wanting to kill people was still there. It was still just as easy. He still didn’t really feel it, not the way a person should anyway. There was no guilt. He couldn’t even remember the faces or names of the people he killed. It would be just like that if he killed Gon, wouldn’t it? He would forget him and move on like he did with the rest. 

“No!” Killua ran his hands through his hair, pulling hard to distract his addled brain. He continued walking down the street and into the city. For now, he just needed to get away. To sort himself out and be far from Gon. He fought the crushing feeling building up in his chest as it threatened to suffocate him.

“You’re a killer Killua. It’s in your blood. And killers can’t have friends.” His brother’s words were there again, floating around his head and seeping into him, making the crushing feeling around his heart grow stronger. 

“Shut up…” Killua tried to ignore it. He sniffed and ran his arm across his face, trying to wipe away the tears that were forming in his eyes. He was still in his night clothes, just a tank top, and his shorts. It was nice out that night, but the wind was still cold on his bare arms and legs. There was nowhere for him to go so he just continued walking through the dimly lit streets. 

He hated himself. He wanted nothing more than to disappear. To lay down and sleep forever. To… to be dead. If he disappeared Gon would look for him everywhere, but… but if he… if he died… Then Gon wouldn’t have to look for him. He would be sad for a while, but that would be it. He’d get over it just like Killua did when he killed someone. 

“Being dead would be better.” He whispered to himself as he eyed the surrounding buildings. “If I’m gone I can’t hurt Gon. I’ll never be able to betray him.”

He wasn’t sure how it happened, he must have blacked out or been so distracted by the thoughts weighing down on him that he lost sight of his surroundings. His body worked for him while his mind wrestled with his thoughts. He wanted to die. It was the only punishment he saw fit for damaging his best friend. An apology wouldn’t be enough. Even if he promised never to do something like that again there was no way of knowing if he’d actually be able to keep that promise. He’d already done enough damage. 

He came to at the edge of a rooftop, feet dangling off the edge. He was only inches from falling the nearly 10 story drop. All it would take was one push, one strong gust of wind or him scooting forward for it all to be over. He realized what had brought him to wasn’t him reaching the edge, but rather the ringing of his phone in his pocket. He let the phone ring out until it stopped. He was numb. Uncaring and unfeeling. A frown was etched onto his face and tears were streaming down his cheeks, dampening his shirt, only serving to make the wind colder on his skin. 

Just lean forward and end it. Four more inches, three, two. You’re almost there. Killua’s eyes were dull and unseeing as he watched the alleyway below him. There wouldn’t be anyone around here for a while. He probably wouldn’t be found until morning. He could survive a two or three story fall if he wanted to. That was nothing for him, but from this height, he’d most certainly die. If he somehow survived the impact he would still probably bleed out before the morning came. His phone rang again, interrupting the silence and pulling him out of his thoughts.

He slowly reached for his phone, just wanting to turn it off and be alone. The screen lit up the rooftop, almost blinding him in the dark night. He flinched back and accidentally pressed the answer key. 

“Hello? Killua?” Killua sighed as he put the phone up to his ear to listen to the voice of his older friend.

“Hi, Kurapika.” His voice was solemn and hoarse, barely a whisper. 

There was a moment of silence before Kurapika sighed, “You didn’t go home did you?”

Killua hiccupped as he held back a sob, “No…”

“Where are you? Do I need to come get you?”

“I…” Killua scooted back from the edge and wrapped his free arm around himself. “I just…” He sniffed loudly, “I just don’t know what to do…” He let out a loud, painful sob into the phone. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He gripped the edge of the roof and bent over his knees, trying to keep himself from being too loud. His sobs racked through him, blocking out Kurapika’s startled voice on the other end of the phone. 

Kurapika was terribly worried. He wasn’t sure he had ever seen or heard Killua cry before. How could someone so trained in killing people and controlling his emotions be reduced to a sobbing mess over a small cut to his friend’s eye? It must have been much worse than Kurapika originally thought. He was glad he called. 

“Killua!” Kurapika tried desperately to get the boy’s attention on him, but he wasn’t listening to a word he said. “Killua! Calm down and tell me where you are!” Kurapika was already out of bed and pulling on his pants as fast as he could. He knew what those sobs were like. He’d experienced them before. There was no way for him to know exactly what Killua was going through, but he knew that overwhelming sense of sadness that caused you to lose sight of what was important to you. If he didn’t find Killua soon, he was afraid he might do something stupid. Something he’s bound to regret. Kurapika grabbed a jacket and headed out of the door with his keys in his hand. 

Killua let the phone slip from his hand and fall to the roof as he wrapped his other arm around himself, holding tight like he would fall apart if he didn’t. He was shaking hard, teetering on the edge, so close to falling and not caring if he did. He wanted it to be over. He hated feeling like this. Like he was suffocating, drowning in his own uselessness. 

Kurapika sped down the road in his car. Killua wasn’t too far away if his GPS was correct anyway. Killua had stopped crying into the phone, but he wasn’t answering either. That was even more worrisome. He might be too late. Kurapika’s eyes were burning scarlet as he rushed to his friend’s aid. He could only hope he’d be there in time.

The edge was so close, only an inch away again. Killua rocked forward and then back as images of Gon flashed through his mind. Gon’s smile, his dead eyes, his laugh, his bloodied face. Each good memory took him an inch back and each bad one took him an inch closer. Gon’s bloodied face reappeared. His eye was gone this time as if Killua had scooped it out instead of only scratching it. His empty chest had been warm, Killua remembered. His eyes were full of anger and betrayal. 

“You’re still a killer… Aren’t you?” 

That was it. The last inch was no longer there. Killua only felt the air beneath him as he let himself fall. He closed his eyes at the freeing sensation. It was like that weight pressing over him had melted away as the ground rose up to meet him. 

“Don’t leave.” Killua’s eyes snapped open at the sound of Gon’s voice rushing through his head. What was he doing? 

“Stupid! Stupid!” Killua shook his head as he tried to turn himself in the air, so he’d land on his arms and feet. If he could protect his head he might survive. 

“Killua!” Kurapika’s voice rung out in the alleyway below him. He couldn’t see Kurapika, but he heard the sound of Kurapika’s footsteps as he ran closer. 

Suddenly Killua felt arms wrap around him as he was yanked out of the air, followed by the impact of a wall before the floor came up to meet him. It didn’t hurt as much as he expected it too. He was lying on something soft and only his hip had hit the ground. 

“You idiot!” The groan came from below him and Killua looked up only to see himself lying on top of Kurapika. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?!” He sat up and wrapped his arms around Killua’s shoulders, pulling him up into a hug. Kurapika squeezed him tighter as he tried to calm himself. His eyes were blazing scarlet as he buried his face into Killua’ neck. He couldn’t lose another friend. Not like this. Not when he could help. 

Kurapika pulled back slowly and looked into Killua’s dull colored eyes. They were wide with shock like he still had no idea what had happened or what was going on. His mouth was hanging open, breaths coming in short as his body shook violently in Kurapika’s arms. Kurapika brushed Killua’s hair out of his face and pulled him all the way onto his lap to hold him in his arms as he waited for Killua to come to terms with what happened. 

It came about slowly. Killua closed his mouth and looked up at Kurapika as the light returned to his eyes. He sat there for a moment just staring at Kurapika before realization clicked in his brain. He gripped his shirt and peered at him with wide eyes again. 

“A-are you okay? Did I hurt you?” He was on the verge of tears. 

“I’m fine Killua.” Kurapika hugged him again, pulling him into him and not letting him go. “What about you? What happened?” 

Killua tensed up under him and tried to pull away. He wanted to get off of Kurapika and make sure he was okay. He had landed on him, he was sure he had hurt him. It was his fault. He had hurt another friend. Two in one night. He shouldn’t have answered the phone. He should have hung up. He was crying again. He hated it. He felt so weak like this, wrapped up in someone’s arms, too afraid to push them away because he might not be able to hold back his strength. 

“Shh…” Kurapika cooed as he pet Killua’s hair and rubbed his back in small circles. “It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

Kurapika wasn’t sure how to comfort Killua. No one had been there to comfort him when he was in a similar state. He had found his answer on his own, deciding on revenge for his clan rather than death, so he could let them rest before seeing them again. But for Killua it was different. If he wanted revenge it would only be on himself and Kurapika wouldn’t allow that. He had already tried it and if he did it again Kurapika would be there to stop him. 

Kurapika tried to comfort him as he held him in his arms and let him cry his heart out. He was still only a child, a child who had experienced way more hurt and hardship in his 14 years on this planet than most did in an entire lifetime. He was sure there were still things even Gon didn’t know about what Killua had to go through before he met the three of them. And those two were closer than family.

Killua’s sobs were growing quiet as the shaking in his body slowed from violent to the teeth chattering of the cold. His eyes were closed as he leaned into Kurapika, still holding his shirt tight. For a moment Kurapika thought Killua had cried himself to sleep. The poor kid must have been exhausted after all of that. 

He slowly and very carefully picked Killua up and began to carry him out of the alleyway and towards the street. Killua curled into him and let out a yawn. Kurapika leaned down and kissed Killua’s forehead. He couldn’t help but think of Killua as his little brother. It was like that with Gon too, though with Leorio it was different. He was sure Killua felt the same way about Gon as he felt about Leorio. They were very similar, the two of them. Just like Leorio and Gon shared many similarities.

It was difficult trying to fish his keys out of his pocket with Killua in his arms, but he managed. He carefully set Killua down in the passenger seat and strapped him in only to see him curl in on himself and mutter something. 

“What was that?” Kurapika leaned down to catch Killua’s whisper. His tear wrecked throat made it hard to understand. 

“My phone.” Killua kept his eyes closed tight, “I dropped it on the roof.”

“Oh.” Kurapika pulled away from him as he glanced back at the building. It looked to be locked up tight. The only way to the roof being the fire escape in the alleyway.   
He didn’t want to leave Killua alone. He knew it would be stupid to, but if they left Killua’s phone there he would surely try to come back for it in the morning and that would be no good. He wanted to keep Killua from ever coming back here if he could. And frankly, he never wanted to see this building again either. 

Kurapika looked back at Killua. He still had his eyes closed, but Kurapika could tell he was still awake. He was frowning and looked as though he were in tremendous pain. It wasn’t physical, but he was sure it felt as though it was. Emotional pain had a way of doing that. Of making it feel as though your pain was something that could be fixed from the outside.

“I’ll be right back then.” He eyed Killua, but he didn’t show any signs of moving. Kurapika sighed as he closed the door and locked his car. He knew Killua could still get out if he wanted to. A locked door wasn’t going to stop him, but somehow it felt safer to Kurapika. Like the locked door would be a deterrent in and of itself. He took one last look before he headed up the fire escape to grab Killua’s phone. 

It took him nearly ten minutes to find Killua’s phone with only the dim light of the moon and his phone to help. Each minute felt like an eon. All he wanted was to be back at his car to make sure Killua was still there. That Killua was okay. 

The phone had died, making the trip take longer than he wanted, and reminding Kurapika of just how close he had been to losing his friend. If he had called just a few minutes later he might not have been able to reach Killua. He wouldn’t have known to come look for him. If he had taken a wrong turn or had been stopped by one more red light. That’s all it would have taken for him to be too late. He silently thanked the air as he picked up Killua’s phone and made his way back to the fire escape.

He was surprised but happy to see Killua hadn’t run off. He seemed to have moved the seat though as now it was further back and was leaning at an angle. Killua had his back to the window as he curled up on his side, facing the driver’s seat. He had kicked off his shoes and brought his feet up onto the seat so he could hug his knees. The seat belt hung awkwardly around him.

Kurapika made his way around the car and to the driver’s side before unlocking the door and pulling himself inside. He turned on the car and made sure the air was warm for Killua who was still shivering slightly. They sat there for a moment, neither of them saying anything as they let the air warm up between them. Kurapika sighed as he leaned back against his seat and fished Killua’s phone out of his pocket.

“Here.” He held it out for Killua to take. It took a moment, but Killua opened his eyes and slowly reached out to take the phone.

“Thank you.” He pulled the phone in close to him.

“You can charge it with this, just in case someone decides to call you.” Kurapika held out a charging cable, which Killua also took, more reluctantly this time. “We’ve been out here for quite a while, so I’m sure Gon is worried.” He gave Killua a small smile. “I’ll drive you home okay, so just rest.”

Killua nodded as he plugged his phone in and let it rest between his legs and his body as he stayed curled up on his side facing Kurapika. Kurapika pulled onto the street and began driving back towards Killua’s place. They were quiet for a long while. Kurapika thought about turning on the radio but decided against it. He thought Killua had finally fallen asleep, but after about five minutes of driving the silence was broken.

“Don’t tell Gon…” He looked up at Kurapika and cringed at the frown on his face. “Please…”

“Killua…” Kurapika’s grip tightened on the steering wheel. “I…” He huffed and then sighed, running a hand through his hair, “I won’t tell him, but you shouldn’t keep something like this from him…”

Killua looked away, tightening his grip on his knees. He felt so small curled up in the passenger seat of his friend's car. He was exhausted and just wanted to sleep, but he wouldn’t allow it. “I know but…”

“Killua.” Kurapika’s voice was sterner this time. “Gon cares for you. I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but you mean the world to him. Keeping something like this from him would only hurt him. Besides, he can help you much more than I could. You don’t have to tell him right away, give it some time, but you shouldn’t hide it from him.”

Killua was silent. He knew Kurapika was right. There was no way he could hide how he had been feeling from Gon; what he had almost done. But he still didn’t want to. He was afraid to open himself up so completely to anyone. He had already shown enough weakness in the past few hours to last him a lifetime. He had already let one person see a side of him he didn’t even know existed and that was too much in Killua’s opinion. Still, he knew Kurapika was right. He had to. Maybe not now, but eventually. He wasn’t sure if he meant the world to Gon, but he surely knew Gon meant the world to him and then some. He had almost thrown it all away.

They were getting closer to Killua’s place. Only two or three minutes more and they’d arrive. Killua sat up and set the seat back in its original position. Kurapika eyed him wearily as he placed his hand on the door and looked out of the window.

“Could… Could you drop me off at the park down the street instead?” Killua didn’t look at Kurapika as he spoke. His words were soft, but his actions told Kurapika that if he didn’t say yes, Killua could very well open the door and make a break for it instead. 

Kurapika hesitated before sighing, “Okay.” He made his way to the park. It was a little out of the way, but it took them only half the time to get there. He pulled up just beside it before parking the car. Killua had already taken off his seatbelt and was reaching for his phone. Kurapika stopped him with a hand on his wrist, making Killua look him in the eye.

“I’m going to trust you.” Kurapika spoke softly, but his tone was hard, “I’m going to let you go here and I’ll leave if you want me to, but…” He sighed and let go of Killua, “But you have to promise me that this time, you’ll go home.”

Killua took a deep breath before freeing his phone from the charger and opening the door. With his back faced towards Kurapika, he finally replied, “I just need some fresh air.” He turned back and smiled at Kurapika. It looked painful on his face, “I promise I’ll go home soon.” He stepped out of the car and turned back around to shut the door. “And I promise I’ll talk to Gon when I get back…” With that, he shut the door and made his way into the park leaving Kurapika behind. 

Kurapika watched Killua until he could no longer see him between the playground equipment. With a heavy sigh, he pulled back onto the road and made his way towards Killua’s house. He wouldn’t go home until he was sure Killua made it back safely. If he took too long he would go look for him again.

Killua made his way back to the swings before sitting on them and pulling out his phone. He rocked back and forth on the swing as he turned it on and waited for the phone to load. He knew it was late and he had to be getting back soon, but it was hard to go back after all of that. It vaguely reminded him of the feeling he got when surrounded by a powerful aura, one he couldn’t fight against. 

“Haven’t I taught you not to fight enemies you can’t defeat?” His brother’s words didn’t seem to hold as much weight now, at least not as much as they had before. They didn’t fit completely with the situation at hand either, but they meant the same thing. He shouldn’t go into this conversation unless he was sure he was okay with giving everything to Gon. Unless he was sure he’d come out in a better state than he was in now. 

He clicked through his phone absentmindedly, checking his phone calls and messages, but other than the missed call from Kurapika earlier there was nothing waiting for him. He sighed as he looked at the time and kicked the ground under his feet. It was already four in the morning. He had only been out of the house for two hours. It felt like it had been 120 hours, not 120 minutes. 

Slowly he picked himself up off the swing and made his way towards the street. Ready or not it was time to go home and face Gon. Killua steeled himself on the short walk home. He’d be ready to face Gon, hidden behind a facade of calm, pleasantness. He quietly made his way into the house only to hear laughter coming from the bedroom. Carefully he made his way towards it.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A knock on the door pulled Killua out of his thoughts. The water had turned scalding hot, burning his skin and steaming up the bathroom. He had finished washing himself a few minutes ago and now he just stood under the hot water washing away the thoughts as best as he could.

“Killua?” Gon’s voice sounded from the other side of the door as the doorknob turned, “Can I come in?” Before Killua could answer the door was already creaking open as Gon’s spiky hair poked through the gap in the door.

“You’re already coming in.” Killua sighed behind the shower curtain. “I was just about done anyway.”

Gon gave a slight chuckle before making his way to the shower and pulling back the curtain.

“W-What are you doing?!?” Killua nearly fell over as he screamed and scrambled to cover himself up. If his skin could get any redder, he’d look like a lobster. 

“Killua! The water’s way too hot! You’re cooking yourself in here.” Gon leaned past Killua and turned the temperature down before pulling Killua’s naked body into his, soaking his clothes through as he pressed his face to Killua’s warm, damp chest.

“I-Idiot! Let go!” Killua squirmed against Gon, who only chuckled in reply.

“It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before Killua.” He let go of Killua so he could reach for the towel on the wall behind him. Gon eyed him before noticing the bruise on his hip. It was huge, covering nearly the entire side of his hip and upper thigh. It was nearly black in color with patches of a slightly lighter purple and yellow around it. Of course, the skin around it was stained red from the heat of the shower, only serving to make it look worse.

Gon wrapped his hand around Killua’s waist and pulled him closer to inspect it. “What happened?” He looked up to see Killua’s red face. He looked a little shocked and… guilty? That was odd. 

“It’s nothing.” He wrapped the towel around his waist and moved away from Gon and towards his pile of clothes. A new set of Gon’s clothes sat beside it. His clothes were damp from the steam and the counter was covered in condensation. 

“It’s not nothing.” Gon chased after him and grabbed his wrist. “How did you get that?” There it was again. Guilt and pain flashed across Killua’s eyes before he looked away.

“I just fell. I’m fine don’t worry about it.” He pulled his hand away from Gon and scooped up his clothes, “You better hurry and take your shower so we can leave.” He quickly made his way out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him, stopping Gon in his tracks. He could hear Gon huff behind the door, but he didn’t make any attempt to follow after Killua.

Killua made his way to the bedroom to get changed, leaving a trail of water in his wake. He felt terrible for lying to Gon about the bruise, but he wasn’t ready. He’d tell him, just... not yet. 

His heart was still beating fast. He could still feel Gon’s face pressed up against his bare chest, his warm breath seeming cool as it spread over his scorched skin. His mind couldn’t grasp onto what he was supposed to be doing. Half of him was worried over his lie and the other half of him was lost to the memory of Gon’s skin against his. They had hugged plenty of times and they touched each other often and in innocent ways, but never when Killua was naked. It was absolutely embarrassing. 

He fumbled with his clothes as he dried himself off and made himself get changed. He plugged his phone into the charger and laid down on his bed with a huff, letting his eyes slip closed as he waited for Gon to finish his shower. He pushed those embarrassing thoughts out of his head as he tried to focus on what events the picnic had in store for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know what you're thinking... But it's not going in that direction so shush.
> 
> I again want to thank AskGonandKillua for letting me use their comic for this story! It seems there will be a chapter 3 however that should be my last one, so look forward to the ending!   
> Oh, and I made a hunter x hunter side blog so check it out! You can find it here: http://gonxkillualove.tumblr.com/


	3. Forever and Always on a Starry Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter of my fic for askgonandkillua. I hope you guys like it!

Gon was irritated. More so than he had been in a long while. He scrubbed at his body hard with the bar of soap in his hand. Killua did something he didn’t want him to know about and he had looked guilty. He wasn’t sure exactly why, but that guilty look irritated him more than he thought it should. 

What they had talked about wasn’t the only thing Killua had been hiding from Gon. He was still hiding a lot of things from him. He wanted Killua to trust him as much as he trusted Killua. He knew Killua would fight for him if he was in danger, but he wasn’t sure if Killua was willing to give him his heart. He’d give Killua his in a heartbeat.

He thought back to the phone call, “You got home okay right?” Maybe Kurapika would know more about what Killua had done. He decided with a huff that he’d ask Kurapika at the picnic if he knew anything. He stepped under the stream of warm water and began to rinse himself off. He was excited about the picnic, but he couldn’t get over the irritation he felt.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Killua opened his eyes and looked up to see the dark night sky above him. The cold wind bit at his shoulders and for a moment he didn’t know where he was.  
He looked down to see the alleyway below him. He was on the roof again, sitting on the edge, ready to fall. ‘Was all of that a dream? Is this real?’ Killua tried to scoot back from the edge, but something pushed him forward. He felt the air underneath him just like last time. It was almost deafening as it whipped past his ears. He tried his best to turn his body like before, but it wasn’t working. He didn’t hear Kurapika’s voice or footsteps this time. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t going to save him. He was going to die this time. 

The ground rushed up to meet him. The sickening crunch and splatter of his bones and guts filled the air as they exploded across the alleyway. The pain came all at once racing through his body stronger than any pain he had ever felt before, and then it was gone. He was numb and unfeeling, body blocking out the pain so he could remain conscious. 

He had managed to shield his head from the brunt of the damage but his jaw was still broken from the impact. Not that it would matter anyway. His insides were squished inside and out of him, strewn across the street in the growing puddle of blood. His bones were shattered. Some poking through him in strange places and at odd angles. His broken ribs stabbed through his back along with his mangled spine. 

He tried to move, to lift his head or even a finger, but it was useless. He couldn’t even move his eyes in his head. He was left staring at the dirty blood soaked street in front of him. He felt cold as the blood left his body. His eyelids were growing heavy and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. The smell of blood choked him more and more every second. It was a smell he should’ve been used to by now, but this seem different, stronger somehow. 

Muffled footsteps suddenly became clearer as they rounded the corner into the alleyway. ‘Ah, Kurapika.’ Killua thought. ‘He came too late.’ Killua almost wanted to laugh at that. But the footsteps were nearing much too slowly. Surely if it was Kurapika he would be running, not walking at a leisurely pace. 

Killua blinked and when his vision returned he saw the all too familiar pair of green boots he had come to associate with his best friend. The feet stopped mere inches from his nose, sending specks of blood splashing onto Killua’s face and reddening the white soles of his shoes.

“Gon… I’m sorry… This wasn’t supposed to happen…” He wanted to tell Gon to shout it out to him and beg him for his forgiveness. He was leaving Gon behind when Gon had asked him not to. But the words wouldn’t come. His windpipe was crushed and the bones in his neck were broken and useless. He couldn’t even lift his head to look up at Gon.

Gon took a step back and crouched, resting his rear on his heels and his hands on his knees. It was silent for a moment before Gon let out a laugh. It started as a chuckle and slowly evolved into Gon’s boisterous laugh, turned grim and sinister.

Killua felt a hand land in his hair and grip tight, yanking his head from the ground. Pain shot through his whole body before being drowned out again. His eyes came to rest on the gaping hole in Gon’s chest. Blood was dripping from the hole and Killua could see Gon’s lungs expand and contract as he laughed. He wanted to look away, but his eyes wouldn’t budge. His brain wasn’t working and his body was too broken to move.

The laughing quieted down as Gon lifted Killua’s head higher and lowered his own so he could meet Killua’s eyes with his. Killua wanted to scream when he saw Gon, but he couldn’t even breathe let alone muster enough air for a scream. 

Gon’s right eye was a clouded creamy color with a huge slice through the middle of it. Blood covered the entirety of the right side of his face. It dripped down and ran off his chin and into his mouth coating his wide-toothed smirk in red. 

“You deserve it Killua.” Gon’s words rolled from his lips like the blood dripping from his eye. The words almost sounded gleeful, like Gon was enjoying this. “You betrayed me Killua. You deserve to die.” Gon laughed again as he let go of Killua’s head sending it crashing back into the ground. The force of the impact drove Killua’s teeth through his tongue, filling his mouth with blood and blurring his vision. All of the air left in him was knocked out by the impact, leaving him suffocating at Gon’s feet.

Gon rocked forward on his toes and something fell, splashing in the pool of blood before rolling towards him. It stopped just before his nose and seemed to move just enough so he could see it. It took a moment before his vision was clear enough for him to see just what had fallen in front of him, but nausea hit him hard when he finally did. It was Gon’s eye peering up at him, completely blind and unseeing. 

Killua almost couldn’t look away, but then Gon dropped to his hands and knees. He leaned down and tilted his head to peer into Killua’s face, taking up his entire view. Where his eye had been was now just an empty black hole that seemed to suck him in. It was wet and squishy looking on the inside, a steady stream of blood flowing from the hole and down his cheek like a waterfall. Gon reached out with his blood covered hand and tilted Killua’s head up for a better view.

“You’re no friend of mine Killua. You’re just a killer.” A sickening smile spread across Gon’s shadowed face.

‘It’s just a dream. It’s not real. It has to be a dream. Please. Please let it be a dream.’ Killua willed himself to wake up. He had to get away. It wasn’t true. None of it. Gon said he would never hate him.

The light of the hotel room nearly blinded him as he opened his eyes. His heart leapt with relief and tears sprung to his eyes. He tried to sit up and wipe them away, but he was frozen. He couldn’t move. His body wasn’t responding to him at all. A sudden dripping noise became apparent as it rose up behind him. It was a wet and heavy sound. A metallic smell rose up in his nose. Blood. He was smelling blood. Killua blinked his eyes and tried to move his head. He found he could move it side to side if only a little bit.

He blinked his eyes again, but this time when he opened them a shadowed figure stood above him. The smell of blood was stronger now as something wet and warm dripped from the figure and onto his face, running down his cheek and into his ear. Then more and more fell as the dripping noise became louder, almost deafening in the silence of the room. The figure came closer. It was just a few inches from his face now, allowing him to see who it was. 

It was Gon, but not the happy normal Gon. It was the Gon from his dream. The blood soaked Gon with malice clouding his good eye and an empty hole where the other had been. He was breathing heavily and Killua could feel his breath as it ran across his nose and cheeks. 

Had he done that just now? Had he hurt Gon in his sleep again? He refused to believe it. Blood dripped onto Killua’s nose and lips, running into them and choking him.  
‘No!’ Killua began to shake his head back and forth as fast as he could, trying his hardest to wake his body up so he could flee. He could move his fingers now. His feet were next. The bed shook as he moved every part of him he could, one by one awakening the different parts of his body while trying not to choke on the steady flow of blood leaking through his nose and lips. 

Killua bolted upright phasing through Gon as if he were an apparition. Only a ghost. A sharp cry ripped through his throat as he sat up on the bed and gripped the sheets. He fought for air as a loud banging noise erupted from behind him. 

“Killua! Killua, are you okay!?!” Gon came bursting into the room with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He ran over to Killua as fast as his legs would allow, almost tripping over himself in his haste. He stopped in front of Killua and lowered himself to his knees to peer into Killua’s face.

Killua was breathing heavy and dripping with sweat. His skin was flushed, but no longer from the heat of the shower. His body was rigid as he trembled uncontrollably. His eyes were unfocused, staring off into space, not seeing Gon at all. Tears streaked down his face as his grip on the sheets grew so tight his knuckles turned white.

“What happened?” Gon’s voice was softer now. He reached out for Killua and placed a hand on his knee. Killua tensed up under his touch, body shaking harder than before. Gon pulled away as if Killua burned him, only to see Killua visibly relax.

That hurt. Gon clutched his shirt as a heavy pain hit his heart. Gon merely touching him hurt Killua. He knew Killua didn’t mean it, but still, the pain was there, tearing at his heart and making him feel as though it was his fault Killua was like this. His fault that Killua was a mess of himself. 

Slowly Killua began to wake up. His eyes cleared and his breathing evened out before he steadily looked up at Gon. Relief crossed his features before Killua sniffed and began to wipe the tears from his face.

“Sorry.” Killua loudly sniffed again, wiping his nose with the edge of his sleeve. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Scare me?” Gon looked at him like he had a screw loose. “You didn’t just scare me. I nearly had a heart attack! What happened? Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah. I’m fine. I just had another bad dream.” He gave Gon a half-hearted smile. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

An image of Gon’s hollow eye floated through his head, but Killua was able to stop himself from outwardly cringing. “N-not right now…” Killua sighed, “Maybe later.”

“Okay.” Gon didn’t like that answer, but he wasn’t going to push it. Whatever happened in that dream must have been a lot worse than the one from last night, because Killua was a lot more shaken up now that Gon had ever seen him. “Do you still want to go to the picnic?” He gave Killua a light smile, “We can stay home if you want.” 

“No. I want to go.” Killua smiled. The truth was he really didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay inside all day, preferably alone, but if he did that his thoughts might take a turn for the worst again. No, he’d go to the picnic and forget, even if only for a few hours, how his nightmares tortured him, and how his heart clenched in pain when a flash of Gon’s blood-drenched face flitted across his mind. Besides he needed to see Kurapika and thank him for last night. He owed Kurapika his life. If it weren’t for him he might not ever have had the chance to see Gon again.

“Alright.” Gon smiled back, “Then I guess I better get dressed so we can leave.” With a small wave, he wandered off, back into the bathroom.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Killua hadn’t said much more than yes, no, and the occasional direction since then. They had left shortly after Gon had gotten dressed and had headed out for the train. They weren’t going too far, only two or three stops, but from the station, it would be about an hour’s walk to the park. Two if Killua kept dragging his feet.

“Hurry up Killua! The train’s about to leave!” Gon grabbed Killua’s sleeve and pulled him along after him. Killua had his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes glued to the floor, letting Gon drag him across the packed station to the platform. 

They made it through the doors of the train just as they were closing, nearly getting their bags caught in them. Killua huffed and sat down in the empty seat next to the door. Gon stood in front of him, holding on to the handle above him.

Gon watched Killua as he fiddled with the end of his shirt. He had been doing that a lot lately and it was getting on his nerves. It was almost like a nervous tick. Something Killua only did when he felt guilty or was hiding something from him. Gon sighed, he was surprised Killua hadn’t frayed the ends of any of them yet.  
The train ride passed in silence making it seem as though it took longer that it actually had. Gon’s patience was running thin. If Killua didn’t talk soon he was going to make him.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“So.” Gon finally broke the silence. They had been walking for almost ten minutes now and were well on their way to the park.

“Hmm?” Killua cocked his head to the side, telling Gon to continue.

“I was just wondering but…” Gon eyed Killua’s side, “Did your nightmare have anything to do with that bruise you got?”

Killua nearly stopped walking, but he willed himself forward. ‘Not right now. Not yet. Please.’ Killua really, really didn’t want to talk about this right now. He turned away and kept his mouth shut. 

“I’m right then aren’t I.” Gon let a little irritation slip into his voice, “Is that why you don’t want to tell me?”

“Please, Gon. I don’t want to think about it right now.” Killua’s voice was almost a whisper.

Gon groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “Alright. Fine. It’s okay. I’m sorry.” He tried his best to calm himself as they continued their walk. 

“Thank you.” Killua smiled up at Gon, but his eyes were full of pain. It only served to make Gon’s heart sink further into his chest. He longed for Killua to trust him enough to talk to him. They’d been friends for two whole years now, surely he didn’t still feel he had to hide things from him. Isn’t that what friends were for? To help each other when they need it, to talk to each other when something was wrong?

“W-What do you think Kurapika and Leorio are bringing?” Killua broke the silence with a blush as his stomach growled softly. He hadn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. He hadn’t been hungry for dinner and the lack of food probably only helped to fuel his nightmares. 

Gon rose an eyebrow and looked at him with wide eyes. That was the first thing he was going to say? Really? Gon almost laughed. “Hmmm…” He hummed to cover up his laughter, “I’m not sure what they’re bringing but if they’re the ones who cooked it then it’s sure to be good.”

“Yeah. I always miss their food. Especially Kurapika’s he’s gotten really good at that lately.” His stomach growled again louder this time, causing both of them to burst into laughter at the silly sound. Just like that the sour mood from before was gone. The warm air of the afternoon was filled with their laughter as they made their way through the city and to the park.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The park was huge. It was basically an entire forest in the middle of the city. The trees opened up into one open grassy meadow after another, each with its own designated recreational equipment or building. They had to call Kurapika and Leorio twice before they were able to locate them amongst the trees. They had secured a private clearing that was filled with flowers and had a perfect view of the sky.

“Hey help me with the blanket,” Kurapika called over to the three other boys who were huddled around the baskets of food.

“And we also brought- Hey!” Leorio rubbed the top of his head as he looked up at Kurapika. “What was that for?”

“Help me set everything up before you start digging into the food!” Kurapika huffed and handed Leorio one of the corners of the blanket.

“I can’t wait for food!” Gon shot up and took another corner. Killua laughed and took the last one. They all helped to spread out the large blanket and lower it to the floor as neatly as they could. 

Both children looked happy. Like they didn’t have a care in the world. Kurapika was relieved. Seeing Killua so happy after last night was a little unnerving, but he was glad for it. That boy deserved so much happiness after all he had been through. He watched Gon as he began to set out the food on the blanket. He was chasing Killua around the field trying to catch him, but all of his attempts were useless as Killua dodged each one, left and right. 

Gon tripped and landed flat on his face, freezing everyone in their place. Killua turned on his heel and rushed to his side, nearly activating Godspeed in his haste. “Gon! Are you okay!?!”

Gon hadn’t moved from his position laid face down in the grass. Killua knelt beside him only for Gon to reach out lightning fast and wrap his hand around Killua’s wrist. “Got you!” Gon called out as he lifted his head and smiled up at Killua’s worry stained face.

“Cheater.” Killua huffed as he relaxed, “Fine I’m it.” He pulled his hand away, “You have 10 seconds. You better run!” Gon was already up and bolting across the open area. “10! 9!”

“These kids.” Leorio gave an awkward chuckle as he lowered himself from his half standing position.

“Yeah.” Kurapika set another plate of food on the blanket. “OH!” Kurapika rocked back on his heels and began to stand.

“What?” Leorio looked up at him as he set an empty basket off to the side.

“We forgot to get drinks!”

“Shit.” Leorio began to stand too.

“No. Stay. I’ll go get them.”

“You can’t carry them all by yourself.”

“No.” He looked to the two kids, “I’ll take Killua. You stay here and keep the bugs away from the food.” he looked down at Leorio and placed his hands on his hips, leaning forward slightly, “And don’t you even think about eating until we get back!”

Leorio gave him a sheepish grin but nodded. “Okay. But why Killua?”

“Huh?”

“Why Killua? Why not Gon or both?”

“Oh… uh, cause I have to talk to Killua about something.” Kurapika turned away as his eyes flashed scarlet behind his contacts. It was only for a split second, but it was long enough for Leorio to catch it. 

Leorio raised an eyebrow up at Kurapika. He had been acting strange since last night like he was worried about something. He had gone out last night after Leorio had left and had barely gotten home before him. He thought perhaps he got called into work, but maybe it had something to do with Killua? After all, Killua had left Gon alone when he normally never left his side. But why was he being so secretive about it?

“Killua!” Kurapika yelled out to the boy, stopping him and making him miss Gon again.

Killua clicked his tongue and turned to Kurapika, “What!?”

“I need your help with something. Come here.” Kurapika shook his head, he really wished he didn’t have to yell.

“Aw!” Gon whined as he trailed behind Killua. They made their way back, Gon plopping down on the blanket next to Leorio when they arrived.

“I almost had him.” Killua narrowed his eyes at Gon’s playful smirk. He stuck his tongue out at him before turning to face Kurapika, arms crossed. “What did you need help with?”

Kurapika giggled at the two of them before addressing the issue at hand. “We forgot to get drinks. I need you to help me carry them.”

“Aw, why can’t Leorio do it?” Gon huffed.

“Because he has to watch the food.”

“Then can I come too?” Gon was about to stand up but hesitated when he caught the flash of panic that ran across the blonde’s face. Leorio had seen it too.  
“No Gon. You have to stay here. It’s about time I check on your eye anyway.” Leorio clapped Gon on his shoulder ensuring his attention stayed on him as he waved for the two to go.

Killua quirked an eyebrow up at Kurapika who only shrugged in reply as he turned and began to walk off. Gon ignored Leorio as he watched the two of them walk away together towards the tree line. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but Kurapika poked him in the side and Killua batted his hand away, yet he didn’t look hurt or angry.

“Hey, Leorio.” Gon pulled his attention away from the two and focused it back on Leorio who was still trying to get his attention.

“What?” He stopped his chattering to look at Gon.

Gon set him with an intense gaze, “Do you know what Killua was doing last night?”

“No.” Leorio creased his brow, “I think Kurapika might know, though.”

“Yeah. I think so too.” Gon sighed and fell back onto the blanket, startling Leorio. ‘I wish they’d just tell us.’ He thought.

“Hey! I said I would look at your eye so sit up.” Gon reached out his hand and Leorio pulled him up into a sitting position. “Now sit still.”  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Is your side okay?”

“Huh?”

“Your side.” Kurapika reached out and poked Killua’s hip, not hard enough to hurt him, but enough to get a reaction.

“Ow!” Killua swatted his hand away and stuck his tongue out at Kurapika.

“Sorry, I couldn’t stop you from hitting the ground.” Kurapika sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, ruffling up his bangs in the process. “I’m glad you’re alright, though. You seem to be doing a lot better today.” He smiled softly at Killua and placed his hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze before letting go. 

“It’s not your fault Kurapika. Don’t be sorry. And thank you for saving me…” He trailed off as he separated from Kurapika to move around a tree, so he could continue his way down the path through the park. 

“That’s what friends are for, Killua. Rely on us a little.” Kurapika smiled at Killua and received a pained one in return. 

They were silent for a while as they walked through the trees. A small recreation center appeared before them as they came upon another clearing. Along one wall of the building was a row of vending machines.

“So…” Kurapika fed some change into the machine. “Have you told him yet?”

“I-” Killua stopped his finger just before the button, freezing for a moment before he sighed and pushed it. “We talked a little about the nightmare.” He bent over and reached down to retrieve the drink, piling it into his arms with the others. 

“Did you tell him about last night?” He repeated his actions, placing more money into the machine.

“N-not yet.”

“Killua.”

“I know. I will. I just need some more time.” Killua pressed the button a little harder this time. He just wanted to forget about last night and enjoy the picnic. He’d worry about all of this later.

“Alright. I don’t mean to pressure you. Take your time. Only you can decide how much time you need. Just don’t take forever, okay?” Kurapika emptied the last of his change into the machine and made sure he had bought enough drinks for everyone to have at least two, before ruffling Killua’s hair. 

“Jeeze.” Killua shook his head and stepped back, giving Kurapika a smile. “Let’s go back. I’m starving.”

“Yeah let’s” Kurapika lessened the load in Killua’s arms as they shared the drinks between them. With their arms full Kurapika and Killua made their way back towards their meadow.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“You need to make sure you’re keeping it clean.” Leorio sighed as he replaced the patch over Gon’s eye. “It’s already showing some signs of infection. Here.” He handed Gon a pill, “Take this when they come back with drinks. It’s an antibiotic so it should help stave off the infection. If you let it get any worse though you could go blind not just in that eye, but both eyes!”

“Sorry Leorio.” Gon sighed and lowered his head. He felt a hand come down to rustle his hair.

“Don’t be sorry. Just take care of it.” Gon looked back up at him with a beaming smile. Something just past Leorio caught his eye. He looked past him to see a girl standing at the edge of the clearing. She held her finger to her lips and motioned for him to follow her before turning and disappearing behind the trees. 

“Huh?” What are you looking at?” Leorio turned his head to look behind him but stopped when Gon spoke. 

“It’s nothing!” Gon spoke a little too fast as he rose to his feet, “I- uh- have to pee. I’ll be right back.” Gon took off across the meadow leaving a very confused and amused Leorio behind. 

He laughed as he watched Gon run for the trees as fast as he could. “He must really have to pee.” Leorio was doubled over, shaking with glee.  
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Psst!” The voice stopped him dead in his tracks as he passed the tree line. “Gon!” Gon turned just in time to see arms wrap around him. A giggle emanated from the person who had him trapped in their arms. 

“A-Alluka?” Gon peered down at the girl as she pulled away from him. “Alluka what are you doing out here by yourself? It’s dangerous. I thought you were staying with Palm!”

“I am. She’s right over there.” She pointed off into one direction of the trees. “Don’t worry she’s watching me.” Alluka smiled up at Gon.

“Are you here to see your brother then?” Gon tilted his head to the side, unsure if he should bring Alluka over to the picnic or walk her back to Palm. 

“No. I’m here to see you!” Alluka clasped her hands behind her back and gave Gon a huge smile as she rocked back on her heels. 

“Me?” Gon quirked an eyebrow and pointed to himself. He was a little worried by that but Nanika had promised Killua that she wouldn’t make requests of anyone but him anymore, so he was sure it was fine. Right?

“Yup.” Alluka stopped moving, “Palm said brother accidentally hurt you so we made get well presents for you and brother.” She pulled her hand out from behind her back to reveal two large rings made out of flowers. One was made of purple flowers and the other of blue. “If you wear these, then brother will surely tell you what happened. I just know it!” She motioned for Gon to bend down a little so she could reach the top of his head. She carefully placed the blue flower crown, over his spiky hair so it rested on his forehead.

“Thank you Alluka.” Gon smiled at her and ruffled her hair. “I’m sure Killua will love his. Did you want to give it to him?”

“No. You give it to him for me Gon. Oh! But don’t tell him you saw me. He might yell at Palm.” She handed him the other flower crown before turning and fleeing. “Get well soon.” She shouted over her shoulder as she went.

Gon made his way back through the forest and to the meadow’s edge. 

“What do you mean you let him go by himself? He can’t see and he has no nen! You should have told him to wait. We were almost back!” Killua’s exasperated, worry filled voice filled the air.

“Calm down Killua he’s been gone like 5 minutes. I’m sure he’s fine. Ah! Speak of the devil!” Leorio pointed towards the trees where Gon was slowly making his way towards them.

“Gon!” Killua rushed forward but stopped halfway before bursting into laughter. “W-What are y-you wearing?” He bent over and held his knees. Gon blushed furiously and stomped over to Killua.

“Stop Laughing.” He whined, and seizing the opportunity, he used Killua’s vulnerable state against him to push the other flower crown onto his head.

Killua froze and shot up straight as he reached for his head. “Oi! What the hell did you put on me?” Killua grabbed the flower crown and went to pull it off, but it wasn’t budging. “What the?” He pulled again, but it was still no use. “It’s not coming off.”

“What?” Gon reached up for his own and tried to pull it up but it was stuck. ‘Palm must have done it.’ He thought to himself.

“Where did you get these?” Killua had given up on pulling it off and was now trying to slice it off with his nails, but that wasn’t working either.

“The- uh- the forest?” Gon gave a sheepish laugh as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You just picked up something strange in the forest and put it on your head? Are you an idiot?” Killua ran his hand down his face before looking up at Gon who just shrugged in reply. “Ugh! Whatever. I guess we’re stuck with them for now. So let’s go eat! We got all sorts of drinks, but we better hurry before Leorio and Kurapika hog them all.”

“Okay! Race you!” Gon ran past Killua back towards their friends.

“Oi! No fair! Cheater!” Killua called after him, laughing all the way. He was only a bit peeved, but he knew he could beat Gon if he really wanted to.

The picnic was a lively feast of foods. Killua and Gon dug into each dish like it would be their last. Leorio and Kurapika ate slowly, savoring the food and laughing along together as they reminisced about the old days and told stories from their times apart. 

Gon made sure to take his pill when Killua wasn’t paying attention to him. He didn’t want Killua to worry over his eye. If he found out it was infected he was sure Killua would only blame himself. Killua was so engrossed in his story, it was the perfect opportunity. 

“And then Gon being the idiot he is, kept fighting until he got his hand blown clean off!” Killua gestured to Gon with an exasperated face. Gon gulped down his pill. He had almost been caught.

“But he has his hand? How’d you get out of that one?” Leorio was intrigued by anything that could heal someone, but to completely restore a missing part of the body. Now that was something!

“There was this card called Breath of Archangel in the game. Once activated it will heal someone, but you can only use it once.”

Gon held out his left hand for Leorio to look over, “All the pain just melted away and when I looked down my hand was back! We used one to heal Killua’s hands too.”

“Sounds like I need to get myself a copy or two of that card.” Leorio muttered to himself, “Could be useful in a pinch.”

“Hey, guy!” Everyone turned to look at Kurapika who had been silent the last few minutes. He was smiling wide and pointing in front of him. Everyone turned to look where he was pointing, only to see the sun beginning to set. It had already dipped behind the trees, bathing them in shadows, but now that it was sinking below the horizon it painted the sky in orange, pink, and purple hues. It was beautiful. A great way to end a day spent laughing with friends.

“Guys let’s take a picture.” Leorio already had his phone out and was motioning for everyone to squish together. They sat with their backs to the sunset as Leorio took a picture before the light that was left disappeared behind the trees. 

The picture turned out great. Everyone had huge genuine smiles gracing their faces. And the sunset really made the picture stand out from the ones they had taken together before.

Killua hadn’t felt this happy in a long time. Probably since the last time the four of them had all gotten together for a picnic back in Yorknew. He felt comfortable and safe here surrounded by his friends under the calm night sky. It wasn’t cold because his friends were huddled around him, laughing and smiling like nothing else mattered. 

“You need to tell him.” Kurapika’s words rung through his head, but he was wrong. ‘I don’t need to tell just him. I need to tell Leorio too and all of them about my nightmares.’ He still wasn’t sure, but he felt like now was the time. It was like something in him was telling him, begging him to just say it, even if it might ruin the mood. He had to he was going to-

“Hey, guys.”Everyone’s attention was pulled to Killua, alarmed by the sudden change in his tone. He had a frown on his face and he was looking down.

“Yes?” Kurapika tilted his head, “What is it?”

“What’s wrong?” Gon mimicked Kurapika.

“I-” He hesitated, taking a long deep breath before straightening up, fist clenched and eyes set with determination. “I have something I want to tell all of you. Uh- you kinda already know Kurapika, but I’ve got more to share too.” His voice was shaky, but he was determined to see it through. After all, there was no turning back now.

Leorio quirked an eyebrow up at Kurapika. He knew there was something he had been hiding from him, but it was probably only for Killua’s sake so he couldn’t be mad. Kurapika moved to sit at Killua’s side taking hold of his hand and resting his other on his shoulder.

“I’m here for you.” Kurapika gave his hand a soft squeeze.

“Thank you.” He smiled softly at Kurapika before turning to face Gon who sat directly in front of him, legs tucked in underneath him. “You asked before about how I got that bruise on my side.”

“You have a bruise on your side? Where? Is it bad?” Leorio moved closer to Killua’s right side as he lifted his shirt up for him. It was hard to see with the dim moonlight, but with the light of Leorio’s phone he was able to see just how terrible the bruise looked.

“Killua you should’ve told me before. That might need medical att-”

“Leorio!” Kurapika chided as he cut him off, “Let Killua talk. You can fuss over his side later.”

“Sorry.” He let Killua lower his shirt but stayed by his side.

Gon didn’t take his eyes off of Killua. He was afraid to blink, to miss what he was going to say. He was going to tell them what happened last night, wasn’t he? And it was true that Kurapika knew what had happened or at least part of it anyway.

“Yeah. I did ask.” Gon almost whispered his reply, but Killua heard it. He wanted to look away from Gon but his eyes were locked on his, refusing to let him move.

Killua took a deep breath and tried to steel himself again. It was getting harder and harder to say it, but he needed to. He had made up his mind. He was going to do it. He took a shaky breath before continuing.

“Last night.” He breathed out and shook his head, “Last night I did something very stupid. And if it weren’t for Kurapika I probably- No…” His mind flashed back to his all too real nightmare and he shuddered. “If it wasn’t for Kurapika I definitely wouldn’t be here right now.” He turned to Kurapika and smiled, “I can never thank you enough for that.”

“I already told you Killua. It’s what friends are for.”

Gon felt his heart sink. He didn’t know what Killua had done yet, but he wished he had been there instead of Kurapika. It was frustrating and Gon knew now that he should’ve run out of the door after Killua instead of staying put.

“What did you do?” Killua bristled as he looked back at Gon. His face was set in a frown, eyes filled with worry, but also anger? His brow was creased and his hands were set into fists, gripping the fabric over his knees.

For a moment Killua was afraid to talk. Gon looked… Well, he looked like he had in the nightmare from the night before, angry. He had been right. Gon was had been lying. He really was mad at him. And that phrase was just like his nightmare.

“What did you do? You deserve it.” The phrases rang through his head in Gon’s sinister voice. Killua clenched his eyes shut tightly and looked down away from Gon.

Gon realized his mistake and quickly softened his features. He was mad at himself, not Killua. Gon reached out to set his hand on Killua’s knee. “Killua.”

“It’s okay.” Kurapika squeezed Killua’s shoulder, bringing him back.

Killua looked back up at Gon and was relieved to see the animosity in Gon’s eyes had fled. Maybe he had just imagined it. He smiled at Gon and took a shaky breath. Leorio placed a hand on Killua’s other shoulder to let him know he was there for him too if he needed him.

“Last night. I-” It was hard for him to say. And to admit. He almost couldn’t believe it had happened. He knew it did, but the memory felt so far away now. Like his brain had muddled it in an attempt to hide it from him and protect him. He decided to start again from the beginning and explain a little first. Maybe then he would feel like they could understand why he did it.

So he told them about his brother and the needle and what that had put him through. Then he told them about the nightmares, one’s he’s been having almost every night since he met them. Then he told them about last night.

“I just felt so bad, like my brother was right all along and that one day I’m going to hurt all of you, betray you and kill you.” He sniffed and wiped his eyes. After talking for so long it was becoming easier to do. “I thought that maybe if I left I wouldn’t be able to hurt you again Gon. But I knew you’d come after me if I just took Alluka and ran away from you. And I just felt so bad- I still feel so bad for hurting you.” He choked on his words for a moment before continuing. “I thought if I can’t run away and I hate myself any way I may as well just end it.” 

Gon tensed at that. “E-end it?” He didn’t even try to hide the fear in his voice. 

Kurapika closed his eyes tight and looked away, trying to hide the scarlet in them. He still couldn’t shake the question from his mind. What if he had been too late? He could still see the image of Killua free falling through the air, headed for the hard pavement below.

Killua nodded, “Last night I tried to kill myself.” It was silent as everyone held their breaths. “It just- It just hurt so much.” He clenched his shirt with his free hand and curled in on himself. “When I fell I heard your voice Gon.” He opened up a little to look up at him. “You told me not to leave and I realized how stupid I was, how selfish I was being. But it was too late and I was already falling.” He stopped suddenly feeling nauseous. He remembered the feeling in the dream when he had hit the pavement. He felt like puking, but he managed to suppress it. That dream had felt way too real. 

“Then Kurapika came running out of nowhere and grabbed me. I still hit the ground pretty hard, which is why I have the bruise, but it’s still better than being dead.” He wasn’t sure why but he almost wanted to laugh at that. He felt so free finally talking about it all.

“What about your nightmare? The one you had today looked a lot worse.” Gon squeezed Killua’s knee reassuringly. 

“I- that dream was really bad.” He rubbed his eyes with his palms. “I thought that this was a dream and that I had woken up back on the roof, but this time I didn’t want to do it, but I still fell…” He flinched and closed his eyes. All three of them gave him a squeeze to let him know they were there. That he should continue.

“You weren’t there, this time, Kurapika. I don’t know why but you weren’t. I- I fell and this time, I hit the pavement.” He could still hear the sickening crunch of his bones in his ears and the splatter of his blood and guts as they exploded out of him. He could still smell and taste the blood in his mouth. He pressed a hand over his mouth to keep the bile rising up in his throat from spilling from his lips. He swallowed and continued, renewed tears spilling down his cheeks. 

“I was dying and it hurt so much until suddenly it didn’t anymore. My body was too broken for me to move or really feel much of anything. And you were there…” Killua glanced up at Gon before looking away and pressing his face into his palms.

“What did I do to you Killua?” Gon was frowning as he looked down at Killua’s shaking hands. His left one making its way back to hold Kurapika’s again.

“You.” He breathed hard, “You hurt me and told me I deserved it.” Kurapika and Leorio tensed up beside Killua as the tension grew in the air between the two. The hurt was blatantly painted across Gon’s face and he was crying now too as he used his free hand to grip his chest.

Killua let out a sob and lifted his head up a bit. His face was read and puffy. He had tears streaking down his face and snot leaking from his nose. “You said I wasn’t your friend and that I was just a killer. And then your eye fell out and it was so dark and cold. When I woke up-” He hiccupped and choked on his tears, “I couldn’t move and you were still there hovering over me and dripping blood all over me. I was so scared. I thought it was real and I had hurt you again.” He broke down into sobs, wailing worse than he had the night before.

They all sat there for a moment unsure of what to do. All of them were crying now, as they tried to process everything they had heard. Gon acted first, leaping from his spot and embracing Killua with all his might and all his love. He nuzzled into the crook of Killua’s shoulder and situated himself in Killua’s lap. Leorio and Kurapika joined in, sending them all falling back into a heap of hugs. Gon laid on top of Killua with Leorio hugging his right side and Kurapika on his left. They stayed like that as their tears slowed.

Killua brought his arms up to hold where Leorio and Gon’s arms met on his right and where Gon and Kurapika’s arms met on the left. He was so warm wrapped up in his friend’s arms and looking up at the night sky. The flower crown had been knocked off in the fall, but Gon still had his firmly planted on his head.  
Something flitted across his vision. He squinted and tried to blink the remaining tears out of his eyes as he sniffed. There it was again. A bright light shot across the sky. Then another and another. Killua gasped, causing the others to look at him.

“Look.” Killua tried to point from his position.

“It must be a meteor shower.” Kurapika gasped with awe.

“You don’t get to see this in the city.” Leorio shifted so he could see the sky better, while still holding onto Killua and Gon. 

“Hurry and make a wish!” Gon almost yelled before closing his eyes and tightening his grip on Killua’s shoulders. “Please let Killua be happy!” He said the words loudly before looking up at Killua with a smile.

Killua still looked sad, but a small smile graced his lips.

“Please let us all always be healthy.” Leorio followed suit before turning to look at Gon.

“Please let us all always be friends.” Kurapika smiled and laced the fingers of his left hand with Leorio’s right before he squeezed Gon and Killua tighter in his hug. 

Killua sniffed and closed his eyes. It was nearly a whisper but they all heard it as clear as day. “I wish to always be by Gon’s side.” He opened his eyes and looked back up at the sky as he returned the hugs he had received. He wished this moment would last forever.

Gon smiled up at Killua and nuzzled close to his ear. “I’ll always be by your side Killua. You’re my best friend in the whole world. I’ll never leave you. I love you Killua.” Gon pulled away just enough so he could look Killua in the eyes as he rested his head on Killua’s chest. 

They laid like that for a while and watched the stars as they shot across the sky carrying their wishes with them. Gon watched the stars reflected in Killua’s crystal clear blue eyes. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He would never let Killua go again. He would chase him to the edge of the planet if he needed to because he loved Killua. More than he had ever loved anyone before.

The pain was still there, wrapped around Killua’s heart like a vice. The guilt still seeped into every bone in his body, making him feel heavy and broken. But the weight of his dearest friend lying atop him was not unwelcome. The heat from his friends and the love they were filling him with was enough to drown out his fear and guilt. For now at least. 

The idea of running away still played in his head. He was more sure than ever, now, that it was the best option for keeping his friends safe from harm. He just didn’t know how to do it. He pushed his thoughts aside. ‘I’ll think about it later.’ Killua suppressed a yawn. ‘Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll decide. For now, though I’ll just enjoy what might be my last day with Gon.’ His eyes teared a little but he blinked them away. He gave his friends another squeeze. 

“I love you too.” He whispered back, “Forever and always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you guys liked it! I left it a little open on purpose because I want you guys to be able to go and check out Lightning's ask blog ( Askgonandkillua.tumblr.com ) Where she is still continuing the story. So if you want to know more about what are cute and angsty kids are up to follow her.
> 
> Disclaimer!: My story does not exactly follow the one she has set up, because of this there are obviously many differences. You may want to scroll back to the comic I based this story on and read from there. 
> 
> Anyway. Thank you all for reading my story and leaving Kudos and Comments! I will be writing more hxh fics here in the near future so keep an eye out for those as well! I hope you all have a wonderful day~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This is my first hunter x hunter fic! I hope I'm doing it justice so far. There will be at least one more chapter after this to wrap things up. Please let me know if you spotted any mistakes! :D  
> Also if you want more updates on how Gon and Killua are doing please check out the blog askgonandkillua on Tumblr! And feel free to follow me on my Tumblr Lawlulove! :D


End file.
